October 1998 Archives

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October 31, 1998

Now

connections

i laugh sometimes at how fast things change in my life. what i find funny is how i am certain that they never will. i'm glad to say i've always been wrong.

last year at this time (and most of this year, too), i was dealing with the after-effects of a lost connection. i had a friendship (or so i thought) with someone i had met over the internet that ended suddenly and without warning. to say i was devastated would be a great understatement.

with proper amounts of time and also the support of other cyber- friendships, i was able to pick up the pieces and move on. it was hard, however... probably one of the greatest losses i've suffered in recent years. and that's because it was a connection, a mental mindset that i shared with this other person from day one.

i've only had a few connections in my life. one is with todd, my husband of 12 years and the love of my life. one is with reg, an old friend of mine who i never lose touch with, no matter how much time passes in between our conversations, and one was with mark, the aforementioned friend that is no longer.

and now, there is a new connection. his name is jonathan.

i can't really put my finger on what makes two people connect in a manner that certainly will change both their lives. but it happens. the day i met him, i wrote a friend of mine and said something to the effect of "there's this new guy jonathan at work...

October 30, 1998

Now

act II

good morning, the email said. buzz me when you get in.

so i buzzed.

i brought the picture, the email said again. and that cd we talked about.

i'll be right over, i replied. on my way now.

so i went.

.......

it was as intoxicating as that first morning cup of coffee can be. i, too, have my obsessions, you know.

this must be one of them.

.......

i pushed my way through.

and there i was again, assessing the environment. placing myself again in a situation i probably didn't really want to be in.

a moment later i was smiling, eyes closed and head laid back. my shoulders suddenly weren't as tense as they had been. i wanted the moment to last forever.

it didn't, but there will be more.

......

total non-productivity, i screamed, papers in complete disarray around my desk. file 13 for most, the rest in manilla folders and filed away properly.

one must have ones priorities. and if not, one must pretend.

being a deviant isn't easy.

.....

cool temperatures, heat generated by a beating heart. don't move, please. i won't.

an hour and a half later, the signs were buzzing by on the quiet highway. a little outing, alone.

this was the first time i relaxed, goose bumps on my arm from just being able to sit back for once. feeling a bit guilty when fleeting thoughts would cross my mind, i justified myself with a pat on the back and a smile.

thirty minutes later, the mirrors in the corner of the room were watching my every movement. i eyed them to search for what could be seen.

everything, obviously.

thirty minutes later, the network cards were purposely left in the back seat of my car.

excuses, excuses, i laughed.

......

thinking, thinking.

......

be good, it's the weekend. enjoy.

a last look at the week.

have a good one.

(indeed, i will. thanks. you do the same.)

......

on the trail, laughing, relaxing again.

busy, but not too much. just right.

a small, private celebration.

......

that familiar voice again.

dinner? time alone?

sure. a plan, at last.

anywhere, he said. i just want to be with you.

i liked the way that sounded, so i agreed.

October 29, 1998

Now

you never plan on things like this to happen. ever.

i've learned that, if anything. but it seems like it's the only thing i've learned. i'm sitting here somewhere in between ecstatic and confused as hell. because this is happening and has been happening and i just realized it.

and we've talked about it. analyzed it. drawn a big circle around it almost so as not to let it go anywhere. and all the while i'm probably fooling myself into thinking that it really doesn't mean anything. because, you know, i hadn't planned on this. and because i hadn't planned on this, hadn't thought about this, hadn't figured this would happen, i didn't expect it to.

it's happening, though.

i could stop it now that i know it exists. stop it by just walking away, not acknowledging its existence anymore and pretending it doesn't count. i could. really. but will i?

and that's what is so strange about this. i know i should walk. i KNOW it. i have rules, guidelines developed just for this type of thing.


but who thinks about rules when you're pushed against a rock and a hard place and you find yourself enjoying it?

October 28, 1998

Now

i'm in a shitty mood today. i didn't much feel like doing anything last night, so i told todd i'd wake up this morning and iron his uniform before he went to work. no problem, he said, are you sure you'll be able to get up? sure i will. no problem. i set the alarm clock for 5 and turned over.

4:47 todd's alarm clock goes off (we have two in case one of them decides not to work properly) and he turns over and nudges me to get up. i look at the clock. 4:47 a.m. "it's not 5 o'clock and that wasn't my alarm," i told him and turned over.

thirteen minutes later i was up anyway. ironing.

it's not the ironing i mind. it's not even getting up. in fact, i'm not really sure why i'm in such a shitty mood right now, but i am. i don't want to be around anyone. i don't want to go back to bed. sleep is not the issue.

i must have had a frustrating dream. maybe i should go back to bed so i can dream something else. awaken more peacefully as it were.

nah. fuck that.

maybe it's the fact that i'm having to explain to the senior apps developer why i don't want to use textured backgrounds and button images from an icon collection. maybe it's that i feel sometimes like no matter how hard i try, i can't ever overcome this non- confrontational wuss that i am. pisses me off.

or maybe it's that travis knows better than any child how to lay a guilt trip on a parent for being less than perfect. last night i was fortunate enough to sit at the dinner table with him while he started listing my shortcomings. what do you say to that? tell him to be quiet? or listen because you're so fucking amazed that your 14-year-old knows you better than you think he does. all i could muster was "I never said I was perfect," and "being a parent is difficult."

even so, i left the table feeling like shit. feeling bad for the things that i could have and didn't do, feeling bad for some of the choices i made, feeling bad in general. i told travis i loved him and i was sorry. and it wasn't that he was seeking the apology, i think he was similarly frustrated with just having been grounded. and you know, most of what he was angry about was the way todd had handled the news of his bad report card.

so it's not all me. i know that. but still, it's impossible for me to control todd's actions too. it's hard for him to accept the fact that his son is less than perfect in some areas. i tried telling travis this. how can i even expect him to understand? i can't.

so blah fucking blah. i feel crappy. so be it. and it's not just travis, either.

my body is revolting against me.

i want to get rid of my motherfucking uterus too. it's healthy, it works, would someone take this thing off my hands and let me live in peace, please? DAMN.

and fucking hormones. what the HELL is up with stupid hormones. i go from nice woman into angry bitch in seconds. i hate myself when i get this way.

and i know it isn't helping much, but i swear that banging on the stupid fucking keyboard as i type this really makes me feel a lot fucking better. it's not like anyone can HEAR me over the internet anyway.

dsafjk;sldfjadsl;fjl;k324u9043421!@#!#@!!

October 27, 1998

Now

i slept like a baby last night. i decided around 11:30 that i was beyond tired, so i forced myself off of the computer and into bed. what a great choice i made.

i woke up at 4:09 a.m. and noticed todd wasn't in bed with me. i found him moments later, stretched out on the couch, the tv remote laying on his chest and the television tuned to espn. he never makes it through a monday night and all the wrestling he plans on watching.

i woke him up and coaxed him into coming back to bed with me. it would have been a smart choice, except that he snored the rest of the morning and kept me somewhat awake the entire time.

i shouldn't complain. he says i do the same thing sometimes. it's still hard for me to believe that i snore... i've never caught myself doing this. i figure it has to be those times when my sinuses are stopped up and i generally can't breathe.

travis got his report card yesterday: two D's, an F, a B and an incomplete. (i have no clue how the incomplete got there... he says i shouldn't worry about it. ha!) it's fairly obvious that he didn't make the smooth transition from middle school into high school, and that perhaps he needs a more structured study environment.

no problem on that one whatsoever. travis now has no phone privileges and can't really do much of anything around here. todd laid out some ground rules for him yesterday that included a minimum of three hours devoted to homework and studying per day. travis wasn't too thrilled about that, but at least was happy that we were willing to compromise should he start bringing home notes from teachers indicating academic and behavioral improvement.

we'll just have to see about this one. i feel like every year we go through one horrible semester, only to have travis turn it around the second one. his motivation has also increased this go-round: he turns 15 in december and can get his permit, grades permitting.

i'm glad there's something to finally push him in that direction.

it's just hard, you know? watching your child adjust and deal with the struggles of life. there's so much i wish i could tell him, so much i wish i could have him avoid... but then, i know that without the experience of having to learn things the hard way, he may never learn anything at all.

casey has gotten me to watch 7th Heaven lately, a show on the WB network that airs monday nights at 8. it's a really wholesome show, so i don't much mind letting her stay up 30 minutes beyond her normal bedtime to do so. and the great thing about this show is that it always deals with some moral issue or life lesson, and i have found that casey usually pays great attention to what's going on and asks me a lot of questions about it for days afterward.

this morning, she was asking me a lot about death, grief and loss. one of the characters from the show last night lost a friend in a car accident and was having a hard time dealing with the associated grief.

"would you cry if i died in a car accident?" she questioned me.

"of course i would," i told her. "i love you very much, casey."

sometimes i think children just need to be reassured that they have a place in their parents hearts.

at any rate, the whole thought of losing my kids in a car accident or some other way has gotten me thinking again about how fortunate i am just to have them. they are good kids overall, despite their bad grades and inability to do their chores without being reminded. i can't imagine my life without them.

and sure, it'll take travis awhile to get into the swing of high school, and will take casey awhile to quiet herself down in a class- room.... but, you know, i'm certainly glad that they have that while to take.

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