November 1998 Archives

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November 30, 1998

Now

the moments come and go so damned quickly in my life. so quickly.

i'm SO DAMNED MAD right now that i can't even see straight, and it's all about stupid shit. like about how todd can be in a good mood one minute, and hating me the next. and how i still feel that i have to walk around this house feeling like an outsider. like i have to fucking pay a damned toll just to have my damned life back.

it's like a fucking play, is what it is. i'm playing the role of mother and wife, to an extent. did i do this right? was your dinner ok? what can i fucking possibly do now to make your life easier and everyone's life easier .... sacrifice my own? well sure, no problem.

and you know, they've all come to expect that shit from me. and i'm fucking pissed about it.

i'm pissed because assumptions are now being made about me and the person that i am.... fuck... not assumptions...damned judgments.

I HATE THIS FUCKING PLACE!

to everyone and anyone who knows todd and knows me and thinks they can get off by reading this shit... mind your own fucking business. the web is the ONLY place where i can be myself. i shouldn't feel like i have to change who i am or anything i say because of who reads this. THIS IS MY FUCKING LIFE. my fucking life. and i'm mad and angry and that no one seems to give a shit about that.

HELL. get your own fucking space and say what you want to say.

the damned government hasn't seized control of this yet.

and yeah, i have fucking friends who i talk to and confide in and that's my fucking business too.

GRRRRR. i'm just so fucking mad.

so damned mad i can't even tell you.

it's not about anything in particular, yet it's about everything. i don't like this shit.... everyone assumes it's so fucking easy for me to go through thiis shit because i'm the one who started it all. well, let me just tell you that it's not fucking easy. i deal with this shit every day.... every fucking day.... trying to make fucking decisions about my life and the type of person i want to be... the type of person i've always WANTED to be but felt that i couldn't because of someone else making their opinion known.

well, fuck you all. FUCK EVERYONE. and i'm talking to no one in particular. i'm so damned mad about my life right now. so mad about how i let it go to hell so many years ago. and mad at myself for not speaking up for it before.

it's a really easy thing for some people.... you know, to do what makes them happy. but for me, it's not. it never has been. there has been a price to pay every step of the fucking way.

and i'm mad and pissed about that too.

i just want to get a bat and beat the fuck out of a tree or something. just deal with this anger and this hostility and let it all out for once.

and instead, i get people telling me how i'm being disrespectful to their feelings and shit. wwell you know what? fuck that too. i can't and won't continue to be the silent person i have been all these damn years. i won't be taken advantage of and i don't much give a fuck if this bothers you or not.

this is me. diane. fucking me. this is who i am and will be until you stupid monkeys get off my fucking back.

so keep your tight-assed networks going and your secrets to your fucking self.

i'm getting a fucking lawyer.

November 29, 1998

Now

the music has come, and it's in the form of anything loud.

"i believe in peace.....i believe in peace bitch..." is what is reverberating against the walls in this office of mine. doors are open and todd is outside smoking a cigarette.

i would join him, but then he might not appreciate that.

things are hot and cold a lot lately, less warm... less gray. and i think that's probably a good thing. the less gray the better when one is trying to make a decision.

casey is outside riding her bike with the boy from the house next door. suburbia has woken up and is preparing to go to church.

not this house. casey would probably like to go, but i neither have the desire nor the inclination to dress up and go have jesus shoved down my throat for an hour. bible belt this is, but a conforming southern baptist i am not.

i don't think people realize how much of a deal is made about church when you grow up in the south. we are a mass of stereotypicalism. is that a word? if it is, that's what we all are. a mass together. but individually, some of us aren't stereotypical at all.

and that's ok. i'm just figuring out that i'm not going to die if i don't please 100% of the people 100% of the time. i don't know where i got the notion that i had to.

so last night i drank two killian's reds and smoked a few cigarettes and had a rather pleasant conversation with my husband once he returned home from florida.

we ended up waking up the kids so casey could cut her birthday cake with her dad in the same room. she was really happy to wake up to more presents and cake and ice cream. i videotaped her blowing out her candles... i'll have to see if i can get a shot of that.

speaking of candles, i've become obsessive lately about wanting to keep candles lit everywhere. they make me feel good, the house smells of the scent du jour and it creates a nice dark ambient mood for me.

sometimes, though, the dark is better. dark office, loud music, shades pulled so the neighbors can't see me banging my head around acting like a total idiot.

"mom! please turn the music down... i can't hear my movie!" casey screamed at me when she opened the door to my office last night.

i turned it down a little, not enough to satisfy her and not enough to dissatisfy myself. pearl jam... vitalogy... some of that is just good rockin' music. some of it. and then you hit track 5 or track 11 and listen to eddie's ballads about life.

i followed pearl jam with sublime, i think it was. whatever was on was loud.. and sounded good. i wonder why that is. why loud sounds better. anyone know?

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and so she sings another song to me...this is cooling, faster than i can...

November 28, 1998

Now

a day of things

i'm randomly thinking about things and adding them here today.

i noticed that the Toriphile Registry has been updated and that i've finally been added.

i want to write something for bittersweets, but there's just too much to choose from.

dave and i have been catching up quite a bit lately. and yes, that is a good thing, because he makes me realize how stupid everyone is, including me.

and todd...the other one... well, he's going to heaven. i'm certain of it, because he's been nothing but a saviour to me lately. i don't know what i'd do without him.

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and my daughter casey turned eight years old today. she got a new bike, a lot of spice girls stuff, a watch, a necklace and a lot of attention. and tonight we'll cut her cake and sing her happy birthday.

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and me? well... heh... i bought a brand new bottle of st. john's wort and a new toe ring. both were purchases toward my mental health, though i can't explain how either works.

thanks, everyone, for all the wonderful email. as always, every word is much appreciated.

November 26, 1998

Now

thanksgiving day

everything in life is full of bittersweetness now. a hug from my daughter or son feels so good, yet makes me feel so bad. to speak my mind to my husband after all these years feels wonderful, yet at the same time it brings me such pain and anguish.

i never knew there would be such a high price to pay for my own happiness. i never knew that by not saying what i should have said 12 years ago that i would end up having to fight for the things that i wanted in life.

apparently, that's the way it will be for me. nothing has ever come easy, even a slice of the pie that everyone else seems to be enjoying.

i called todd this morning. he's in florida at his sister's house. i wanted to let him know that despite what he had said in the phone conversation last night about me not caring that he had made it safely, that i did care and do care and that none of this is easy. i do love him, you see. how can he possibly think that i don't? i've built a life with him, even if it's not the healthiest of lives for me. i care about him and want to protect him from all this hurt that i'm causing.

it's just such an impossible situation.

this whole deal of me being the one to leave and leaving the kids behind... well, i just don't know if i'm coping with that at all. i cry a lot when i think about it. i cry when one of the kids says something sweet to me, or when they fight even, because i realize that all these little moments are the things i'll be missing.

i've been trying to imagine worst case scenario to see if i could deal with it. a dark, quiet apartment... me in it, alone, no one there to care or to see me cry.... this is what it could be if i'm not ok with the decision.

i just don't know. i've often wished for someone to make the right decision for me and just tell me what to do. but it doesn't work that way, and i know it doesn't. i just want to crawl under a rock and come out when everything is ok again.

so i guess today i'm thankful for a lot of things that i haven't considered in a long time. i'm thankful for todd being such a good dad to my kids. even though he has his faults (we all do), he loves them and cares about them. i'm thankful for my children being the individuals they are. i am thankful that they argue and fight and talk back to me and then give me hugs when they see that i need it. they are so normal, so perfect in every way, even if they don't always hear that from me. today i'll tell them, because i'm truly thankful for them being in my life. i'm thankful for this house, this place that has become ours in the few short months that we've lived here. i'm thankful for the new stains we've put on the carpets, or for how the kids' bedrooms stay messy even after we've told them to clean up.

and i'm thankful that i was finally able to muster up the strength to tell todd that something deep within me longs for something more and for him to finally understand that. it's painful... probably as much so as it is joyful in that i finally unburdened my soul.

bittersweet. i look and see all this stuff, and somehow can't be filled inside by it because i've hollowed myself out over the years and haven't learned to love myself fully or those around me.

so maybe in time it will start being less bittersweet and will become one of those things that i can learn to accept about myself. that i've failed as a wife and a mother in a number of ways. it doesn't mean i'm a horrible person, and i need to realize that too. and it doesn't stop me from trying to be a better role model for my kids. i know they need me, and i want to be there for them. i want them to know that it was for them that i wanted to become a better person. a more stable person.

todd called back after we hung up this morning, and asked if i would consider driving to florida... told me that i was more than welcome to join him. i hesitated, not really sure of what to do. the thought of feeling safe and secure in his arms sounded nice, but then i knew that doing that would give him false hope and wouldn't allow me to learn to stand on my own. i told him i would think about it, but after hanging up the phone, i knew i couldn't go.

all this unfamiliarity around me... all this uncertainty.... this is what i have to work with now to turn my life into something that i can be proud of. that i can be honest about. that my kids and maybe even todd can appreciate.

i've come a long way, but parts of me are still lingering back in my formative years and trying to figure out what went so wrong. why i couldn't just be honest about what i wanted back then, why i couldn't stand up for myself and defend my own honor. and why i clung to the false belief that if i just didn't tell anyone how i was feeling that the pain would disappear and i'd be ok.

so yeah... happy thanksgiving. i'm truly thankful for a lot these days, even if the feeling that follows that thankfulness is bittersweet in nature.

November 25, 1998

Now

catching up with dave

me: "i don't like people to cling on me...except, of course, when i want them to."

him: "i have to have space. to be left alone. too much shit makes me shiver and need to get away."

me: "exactly."

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i discuss life a lot lately. too much, in fact. sometimes you just have to stop talking about it and just live it. it's that time.

i've been making all sorts of decisions lately. good ones, bad ones,
ones that i'm not even sure about. it's incredibly overwhelming to
sit around and analyze every thought, every mood, every movement. life
wasn't meant to be lived under a microscope.

so i take this thing one day at a time. slowly. very slowly.

but not too much. you've got to move, you know.

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so the thing now is that i may move out and leave todd with the kids. it's something we're discussing, something that has changed the entire
situation totally, and something i am not sure i can live with. my whole deal is not wanting to cause anyone any pain, but that's like asking for perfection in a situation that dictates otherwise. i can't expect that.

so my expectation is just to have the smoothest transition possible for my children. to have them feel loved and cared for while what's normal to them changes.

it's so heart wrenching to realize that you can't protect your kids from life.

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dave and i caught up this week, which was right on time. it is so nice to kick back with an old friend and just be myself.

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and thanks everyone for all the super-generous email. i admit i was seeking cheap sympathy, but what i got was a lot of people who actually seem to care a little about me and understand the situation.

interactive media, baby. it's intense.

:-)

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people often ask me why i share my life like this. why do i do it? how can i do it?

and you know, it's not something i've ever really thought about. i do it because it feels right for me to do it. i like people. i like talking. i enjoy living my life.

why do you like to sing along with music? ever wondered why?

see, it's the same thing for me about the writing.

i never expected anyone to understand. it wasn't something i felt like i had to explain.

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on that note...

in regard to todd and his wishes for me not to publicly display his life, i'm really trying to honor that. and i've been waiting for ben to hook me up with the new mailing list info... but i'm not sure he even got the request.

so in the meantime, do me a favor... and if you want to join, just send me your email address and somewhere in the letter let me know you want to subscribe to "then". and i'll set up a small mailing list myself somehow. for the time being.

sign up!

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and happy thanksgiving everyone! (or at least everyone who celebrates it)

i'm spending mine in durham with my kids and my mother and stepfather. we're smoking a turkey on the grill. mom will make the usual fare, and there will be a lot of conversation about my life. blah.

and i'll probably have to do some dishes.


November 22, 1998

Now

and another fucking thing....

you know, i'm sick and tired of being the easygoing doormat type who always considers everyone else's feelings first. i fucking HATE IT. i hate that aspect of my personality, because if it weren't for that i wouldn't be where i am now.

it also doesn't help that i started my fucking period yesterday and am having to figure out all the goddamned financial aspects of my whole fucking life this afternoon. is it so wrong of me to FUCKING NEED SOMEONE to vent to and to have them there just to listen? i don't expect to have the answers handed to me. i just want someone to hear me and to fucking understand for once.

i see fucking patterns already that i hate. i fucking hate them. and i feel even worse when i finally express my discontent with how things are working in regard to it all and then feel like a bitch afterward for saying so.

don't fucking apologize to me or promise me that you can fucking be there if you can't. it's really easy to say you can and then not to be. what's harder is following through. and you know, i'll be there when i say i'll be there. i've been known to move mountains for the people i love.

but i'm selfish, and thing is... i HAVE TO BE. i have two fucking kids who depend on me, a damned mortgage to take care of and now it's like i can't even bitch about it when the time comes without having to make sure i'm not hurting someone else.

fuck that.

and what's worse is that i have to constantly go around apologizing for saying this or that or the other wrong thing at the wrong time and not being able just to speak what is on my mind without fear of stepping on someone else's toes.

teresa said pull strength from within. depend on yourself. give it at least six months and then you'll be stronger and less needy and things will work out better.

and she is right. she's fucking right. and i knew she was when she said it, but that caring, easygoing part of me who is already in love with the idea of being free and happy didn't want to listen. and still doesn't, despite the fact that i should.

and if this hurts feelings, i can't help that anymore. i can't help feeling what i feel and being hurt when i feel hurt. i just can't continually go around being sorry for everything that i am.

i'm needy. i need understanding. and time, god i need time just to be whatever or whomever i want.

it's not like i'm that great of a prize anyway. not at this point.

so feel free to walk or to run screaming in the other direction. i don't blame you a bit. i hate me, too and i'm probably not even worth the effort to stick around.

Now

i have this horrible habit of pouring myself a drink, the non-alcoholic kind, and letting all the ice melt so that my drink is ultimately watered down to the point i refuse to drink it.

it's like taking money and just throwing it away, or so i've been told. to me it's just one of those things i do unconsciously, much like chewing on pen tops and straws and just about everything else i can grind between my teeth.

but don't get the wrong idea here.

i'm a fucking strange person, i've come to realize. i used to bask in the glory of being the odd person out, but these days i feel like the spotlight is on my weirdness and i've got nothing to say about it.

my brain is all over the place, as are my emotions, and just expressing myself to the point where i feel like i've let something significant out has become a chore. i feel all sorts of stuff now, whereas a couple of days ago i was feeling nothing at all.

i have a deep respect for my husband and what he must be going through. i feel guilty as hell about it, but at the same time i know i'm pushing something that will ultimately be best for us both. it's so damn hard trying not to be the bitch all the time. and it's really hard when no one is mad at me for ripping up lives and changing all the rules.

sometimes i feel if he could just hate me, i'd be better off. i can deal with that... i know how to effectively deal with strong hostility (i'm used to it). what i can't deal with is understanding and love and respect for my feelings. i don't understand the whole concept of that at all. but i'm learning. i'm being told constantly that it's ok to feel what i'm feeling and under no circumstances should i feel sorry about it.

so i don't. i feel good about finally expressing myself.

but the old saying my mother used to tell me is coming back to haunt me: "be careful of what you ask for, you might just get it."

so the whole thing is to think about it before you ask.

and the thing about that is that you have to make the decision about what to ask for on your own.

so you can see how all of this is coming together nicely and sucking really bad. i'm scared. fearful. facing my demons. pushing forward, looking back, looking around, trying to relax and to just let it all out.

i told my mother today. i had a big fear that i'd be spending the thanksgiving holiday alone so i called and successfully got my mother to invite me over. you see, our traditions haven't been traditional lately. but maybe i needed just a little bit of that, you know, just to feel like the whole world hasn't changed, but rather just the part that revolves around me.

we all have our own little weird worlds. in mine, drinks are cheaper and come in smaller quantities and the bar of soap is a bit bigger.

in case you were wondering, that is.

i'm trying.

November 20, 1998

Now

the good fight

things are looking better. not bad, not good, but just better. and after talking to todd about everything this week and deciding that we could handle this like adults, that's exactly what we're going to do.

but he did mention to me that he feels weird about having his personal life displayed all over the web. i contested that it's more my personal life than his that i'm writing about here, but on second thought i saw his point. it's not fair of me to talk about him without his consent. at least not about our marriage and its demise.

so i'm hoping to create a new mailing list... or rather, turning the old mailing list into the new one and having new people sign up if they really want to know the details. the list itself will be called 'then' (as opposed to 'now') and will contain all the tidbits i won't be writing about for the world to see in this spot.

thing is, i don't know how long it will take to get that set up or when it will actually be working. so stay tuned.

in the meantime, i'll be doing random things, like losing my mind. enjoy it while you can. i'm actually having fun with it.

:-)

November 18, 1998

Now

i'm not really sure what i'm feeling anymore. last night i went from emotion-filled to emotionless in a matter of minutes. it was as if the inside of me had been ripped open and everything there was finally seen for what it's worth.

there is a division, now. the old me, the new me. the happy me, the frightened me. what i considered normal yesterday isn't normal today. my whole life has been shaken, not stirred. and i did it.

so for anyone who doesn't know what's going on yet, i told my husband last night that i didn't want to be married any- more. i told him i wasn't sure why this was, but was a gut feeling i've had since soon after we got married more than 12 years ago. it's not that i don't love him, because i do. how can a person not love someone they've grown up with and shared a life with for so long? it's just so much more than that. it's about loving me, accepting myself for who i am and what i really want. it's about recognizing the feelings i've kept buried for 12 years because i was too scared to admit how i felt.

so yeah, i feel good. i feel better just because i know i've been honest now. but at the same time, i don't feel good. i don't like the way it feels to hurt someone else, to cause them continual anguish and grief. i don't like becoming a statistic... i almost used to take pride in the fact that despite all the odds, we were making our marriage work. hell, i could have continued down that path and never have fessed up to how i was feeling.

and that's so weird. because i didn't. i always do, but this time i didn't and actually said what i wanted to say.

he says he never wants to speak to me again, but i'm sure that he probably will. we do have the kids to talk about and his plans to discuss. he says he hates himself now for ever allowing himself to get into this situation. and i hate that he feels that way. it wasn't like i intended on doing this all along. there were times when i wanted it to work, despite the gut feeling i had that it wasn't going to.

but he doesn't care what i think or feel anymore. and just as well. it's time i stop focusing so much on what he's doing and focus on me. become even more selfish and introspective and really sort out the shit that is my life.

i'm waiting patiently for normal to feel normal again, and for all the unfamiliar territory to become common ground.

i'm waiting for me to say the next thing that i'm feeling, and say it with a certainty that i only answer to myself and my kids and can therefore make decisions.

i'm waiting for me to push away from all the free advice that will certainly be handed out to me and only listen to what i know will work for me and the kids.

and so i want quiet today. headphones, lots of web stuff to do... and just to be alone with myself. i feel that part happening rather quickly.

it's not that i mean to close myself off from people... it's just that i'm learning only to trust and depend on myself for certain things, and a relaxed state of mind happens to be on that list today.

so happy wednesday to me. today is the first day of the rest of my life.

November 17, 1998

Now

i said it.

i don't want to be married anymore, i told him.

he said he already knew.

he said i hurt him like hell.

i said i already knew that.

but it was a choice, you know. a choice between hurting him now or hurting myself more by not telling him.

so i told him.

and suddenly, the pivotal point that i had been trying to reach for a long time had come and gone, and i wasn't feeling a thing.

numb? perhaps.

it's just that i feel no emotion now.

none.

as if the past never happened and i didn't bury myself in it.

looking forward, i see more pain. more resentment. more anger about to surface and rear its ugly head.

you want freedom? he asked. well you got it babe. boy, do you have it.

do you hate me now? i asked.

no, i hate myself, he answered. i hate myself for getting into this
shit in the first place.

and finally i saw it... that fine line... between love and hate.

i'm just so glad not to be walking on it like a tightrope anymore.

so yeah.

i said it.


November 15, 1998

Now

trent is back in the cd player. quite a bit lately.

nothing can stop me now, cause i just don't care anymore.
nothing can stop me now
nothing can stop me now
nothing can stop me now
nothing
can
stop
me
nothing can stop me now
nothing can stop me now
nothing can stop me now
nothing can stop me
mothing can stop me now
nothing can stop me now
nothing can stop me now
nothing can stop me

god i'm just a mixture of too many emotions lately.

we were riding down the street yesterday morning, when i spilled the beans, so to speak, and told todd what was on my mind...


i control you
i control you
i control you

i control you
i control you
i control you

i am the voice inside your head
i am the lover in your bed
i am the sex that you deny
i am the heat you try to hide

i control you
i control you
i control you
i control you
i control you
i control you
i control you
i control you

"it's happening again," was all i could muster.
"what is?" he said.
"my selfishness. it's back."
"i noticed."

we continued to ride down the road. a minute later, he spoke.

"so what's your problem?"
"i don't know. that's what i'm trying to figure out."
"you need to do some soul searching, diane, and you need to do it now."
"i know. i just want you to know none of this is your fault."


i am the voice inside your head
i am the lover in your bed
i am the sex that you deny
i am the heat you try to hide

i take you where you want to go
i give you all you need to know
i drag you down, i use you up
mr. self destruct


you let me do this you
you let me do this to you
you let me do this to you
you let me do this you
you let me do this to you
i am an insect
you let me do this to you
ia m
you let me do this to you
i am an insect

i am the needle in the vein
i am the high you can't sustain

it would be really cool if i could just type this shit that's inside my head out. just like type it. say what's really happening. and i guess i could, but i'm scared, because a lot of what i'm dealing with probably would let a lot of people down and would hurt others and shit if they knew.

so i hide it you know. because you can't just go around talking about things like i've been thinking about. doing. saying. feeling.

it sucks.

dad was really good because he listened and stuff. and it felt right, talking about it all. saying what i was truly feeling inside.

but then it was like out there, on the table... all my emotions.

and then tonight,, seeing him, just fucking seeing him, and i sit there feeling all crappy because i want all this shit i can't have and want things that are probably not good for either of us.

and he says that i should do what's right for me, but what if that means not having him somewhere down the line, you know? what if it means that. and what if i am wearing him down? like to the point he's so tired of this whole thing that even thinking about it causes him pain and he runs from me like i keep expecting him to.

point is i probalby don't trust love, because i trusted it once and it wasn't really what i thought it was going to be.

and you know what else? i don't fucking feel like sitting here typing this shit. i'll probably delete it fairly quickly now that i've actually said it. typed it. FELT IT.

it's all driving me nuts.

do you know that i'm perfectly content just sitting there and looking at him. how pathetic is that? i could just look at him and be happy. my life is so fucking pathetic that i can't even have a coherent thought these days without gushing over the way i'm feeling inside when i get near him.

and i KNOW. it sucks. it's not about him. it's not supposed to be about him. but how do you go around separating that from the real shit in life when what you're feeling is the real shit...the way it's supposed to be... the way i've never had it.

it's not that i don't love my husband. i love him dearly. but he's never moved mountains for me emotinoally. there's always beent his fucking void in my heart that sometimes cries out for love and attention and everything. and i suppose it was crying or something because he heard it and there he was and before i knew it he had heard it.

and that's bad. to wear your heart on your sleeve like that where everyone can hear everything you're fucking feeling inside just because it's so damn wonderful that you just have to scream and let it out.

and maybe it's all too soon. maybe the whole deal is in just knowing that there can be more. there can be a fullness that i always wondered about. hell, i didn't know what normal was. i still don't. and i'm scared that maybe now i can't even offer that because what's normal and real really isn't normal to me.

i don't trust love. heh. that's so fucking hard to believe.

and do you know that i have the music turned up so loud ... i like it loud and blasting and screaming all the shit about self-loathing and self-destruction because it feels so fucking good. i can handle the pain, i just can't handle the happiness aspect. it's fucking overwhelming.

and that's backwards as hell. i'm backwards as hell. my whole life is so totally fucked and now i've screwed up by not knowing and having my head stuck in the mud all these years.

dammit. when i thought i was doing stuff that would never hurt me, it hurt me dearly. and i'm just realizing it now and it really bothers me that i could have fucked my life over so totally. it really does.

and you know, i don't think i'm going to go back and change any of the damn errors on this page, because fuck, i just don't feel like it. welcome to my stream of consciousness, unedited.

and i'm not really sure about anything anymore. i'm spinning, listening, hoping to hear the sounds of the sweet voices that sometimes surround me. and i listen, and hear myself sometimes, and i think that's what scares me. that's exactly what scares me. i see me.

so yeah. turn up the music, type so hard and so fast til all the words just come spilling out of me and into text and it doesn't really matter because the music is so loud that i can't even hear myself type.

i need something. i need to learn patience.

patience is a virtue

i need the warm fuzzies and the constant stroking and to feel utterly special.

and if i could just get of fmy ass, look in the mirror and be perfectly content with the person looking back at me, i'd be better.

and i'd probably smoke less.

and he doesn't realize just how sorry i am for being the way that i am. and that's what truly sucks. i know the faults, the weaknesses... they aren't hard to spot. it's just learning not to focus on those and focus on the other shit ....


i hurt myself today to see if i still feel
i focus on the pain, the only thing that's real

and i'm going to be normal again. normal will be redefined, because i like the new modern definition of it anyway. just like whatever it says in one of those unabridged dictionaries that my little cousin used to sit on during thanksgiving dinner so he could see above the table.

what have i become, my sweetest friend
everyone i know goes away in the end
and you could have it all
my empire of dirt
i will let you down
i will make you hurt


you know what really scares me most? i'm usually right about things. about my fears. they all come true.

i am just trying not to let them do that anymore.

but i guess i do. maybe that's what he saw.

perhaps he's doing this for both of us.

you had to give them all a sign... didn't you?

November 13, 1998

Now

kelly called, wanted to know if i wanted to go to the cat's cradle in chapel hill with her and her ex-husband who is soon to be her husband again. it was a voice mail, so i didn't respond yet. but i will sometime today. i'll be telling her no.

i would go. but then i've been going and going all week, and besides the only reason i called her earlier this week was because i was freaking out and needed to talk to someone who had been there, done that.

but thursday was too long to wait, and we didn't even have a chance to go out anyway. and now, well... now.... i've planned to see dad.

i should call her back, decline and suggest another time.

kelly is cool.

11:27 a.m.

i quit smoking last friday.

i started back today. or last night rather.

the eternal buzz got to me and i needed relief.

yeah...

so i was talking to josh@endquote.com last night on icq, discussing whether he should use josh or joshua when referring to himself.

"joshua," i told him. "it implies sexuality. josh doesn't."

"no," he corrected me a moment later. "joshua implies jesus christ."

i guess that wouldn't be a good thing for him, then. he's 18 and full of hormones.

November 11, 1998

Now

this guy i work with once showed me this email he was sending to a friend of his whom he was giving advice to about a girl. the guy was having a hard time making a decision about what to do, and apparently kept dragging his feet on the whole issue.

"if she's not worth leaving your comfort zone for, don't even waste your time," my friend wrote to him. "that should be the standard rule in life. if it's not worth taking risks to reach the desired goal, it's not really worth having."

so i've been thinking about that a lot. i feel on display and lost in myself at the same time. i'm sorry for not being able to put what is going on in my life in plain english. it's hard.

do you know what it's like when everything isn't familiar? like when you've had so many changes and created so much 'new' for yourself that it overwhelms you because it's out of your comfort zone?

i do.

today i just feel like crying almost. i want to see my father. i want to just feel something familiar and comforting. i want to NOT have this fear.

and that's what it all is. it's fear. fear of change, of messing up, of losing people that are important to me. fear of hurting people i don't want to hurt.

and so part of me is banging and screaming around inside, yelling, "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" to all of this stuff, while another part of me is open to it and welcomes the opportunity to grow.

i may be 31 and a married mother of two who has a simple little life that is all perfect on the outside looking in. but once you get to know me, once you know all the shitty little secrets that i keep so buried within me... the gloss begins to fade into a dull coating.

people, i'm not a healthy person. i'm not mentally able to be my own person... and i so desperately want and need that. and i can't do it alone, or at least don't feel like i can... but i NEED to..

and you know what? my dad just called and i'm going to see him this weekend. thank gosh.

sunshine is peeking out from behind the clouds. :)


November 10, 1998

Now

a redesign effort is underway.

yes, again.

things have changed, i am changing, redesign is inevitable.

i know i'm not saying a whole lot. i mean, i really am, in essence. but overall, i've been faily subdued this week. sunday was a day that battered me emotionally... in good ways, in some not so good ways.

it's just time again for me to get out the microscope and examine some things. time for me to call that psychologist and get some good solid advice or feedback on what's right and wrong for me. i don't want to make decisions that will hurt me somewhere down the road.

and yeah, this has everything and nothing to do with my husband. it's about me, my life... how i lost it at a young age, bought into a deceptiveness that now envelopes me.

i just want to dig my way out.

and i will. i'm certain of that. getting there is only half the battle, though. maintaining some semblance of life in the process is another, as is keeping my sanity intact.

and you know, things aren't always what they seem. deep down, what you've found here is a little girl trying desperately to learn and walk on her own. i'll fall down, to be sure. and stumble. and maybe even trip on the way.

but i'm getting closer to the first step.

November 08, 1998

Now

five hours into his trip, her phone rang.

she answered it, suddenly happy to hear his voice and trying desperately to get a grip on her surroundings. she had been sleeping.

she smiled as she talked to him, surrounded by the darkness and the sound of his voice.

thirty minutes later, the conversation was over and she turned over in bed, noticing how she could stretch and move around. alone.

twelve hours later, she checked her messages. none. and for the next two hours, she did the same. repeatedly. finally, she gave up and decided to do other things.

she slept again. dreaming this time.

two hours later, she checked her messages again. ahhh. finally. signs of life. she caught herself smiling as she read each of them, well aware of the effect of his words.

thirty minutes later, they connected, ever so briefly. his words again made her smile, made her miss him, made her wish he was home.

twelve hours later, he tried again, but she wasn't there. so he left another message, asking for her please to just let him know what to do.

she'd let him know soon enough. and then giggled at her own thoughts.

two hours later, she sat quietly, watching the sun come up. she sat back, thinking about how time passes so quickly and so slowly at the same time. she checked her watch.

twelve hours.

she went back to bed.

Now

fighting quietly
with myself
i find that i often
think about the way
life happens
and how i perceive it
to be

an adventure it is,
i've been told
open yourself up to it
enjoy it
let it happen

but still, i fight
taking notions of
yesterday
weaving them in and
out of my thoughts
wondering what will
happen if i change
yet again

what does this all
mean and why do i care?
i ask myself this
often
and still haven't found
the answers i seek

so i push
myself away
briefly, trying to
gain objectivity
perspective
and reason
before i realize that
i already have it
it is my own

shifting paradigms
isn't easy

November 07, 1998

Now

there's always a good amount of fear associated with writing anything for the world to see. it's hard to imagine your family and coworkers stumbling across your innermost thoughts and fears and having all their illusions about you crumble to pieces.

but then there's that question of how honest you really want to be, how much you really want or need to give of yourself for everyone to see. do you really want to be yourself? totally? or would you rather just offer up a few select tidbits of your mind so people can walk away thinking they understand?

i consider this a lot. i used not to care so much, especially back when i first started writing online. i'd write about anything and anyone, comforted by the size of the web and the odds of meeting someone who had actually stumbled onto my page.

i'm not so naive anymore. i'm guarded, and i should be. i still have the desire to share my life and provide all the juicy details, but i often stop myself from doing so. the therapy is in writing the words anyway, not in publishing them.

i don't need to be judged by thousands of people who don't know the details of my life, but often i am. i can accept criticisms and advice from people as long as they don't forget that they don't have all the details. i even appreciate the caring and comforting that is often provided me by regular readers of this site. truly, it makes it worth continuing.

i just don't know how to make it so i can fuel this desire i've had since birth to share my life and to document its progress. there are so many stories that need to get out, so many truths that need to be revealed and so many obstacles that need to be overcome. and words take me where i need to go. most of the time.

so consider me frustrated. or confused. or both. because while i sit here and write essentially about nothing, my life hangs in the balance as it often does, and i need to write and share it. i need a silent sounding board. i need to let go and let the words overtake me and say what needs to be said.

but this is the web. and i know i don't have the readership that other sites have, but i still feel the need to be conservative to a point.

"the internet is bad," they often say. "all that porn and filth, you just know perverts are hiding around every corner."

i nod, fully understanding their sentiments, but i don't worry much about that because i'm of the impression that a pervert only wants to be a pervert and doesn't have the time nor the inclination to stop and read about my life.

but my family might.

so pardon me while i sit in a state of flux and try and figure out what i'm going to do next. maybe a password protected journal? maybe just write and don't publish? maybe a mailing list for the people who want to know? or maybe i can just continue to write highly contrived entries so that no one really knows what the hell is going on.

now isn't going anywhere. cutting off this lifeline of mine to the outside would be like me taking a razor blade to my wrist. it's that important to me to have an outlet.

but you know . . .

it's awful when you're stuck between being an expressive exhibitionist and a responsible member of society. there really is no middle ground, now is there?

November 06, 1998

Now

when there's lack of sleep, there's lack of clarity.

i didn't sleep last night. i did everything but. my home office has turned into a home pig sty. i got into one of my slinging moods where envelopes, bills and papers went flying everywhere.

the release only lasted for a brief period of time, and then i found myself frustrated again.

so it wasn't the messy desk, or the cds stacked up higher than my desk lamp, or even the tv squawking at me.

i just couldn't make myself do a decent job on this web project for work. there is no passion, no commitment to it, no desire to kill myself on it only to have another coworker chop it apart and tell me i should use drop shadows on everything and a grey textured background.

the thought sickens me.

so i was staring at patterns in the wallpaper in my bathroom

this morning. following the lines up the wall, around the edges, making sure whoever wallpapered did it correctly. as if i know. but the thing is, what else are you going to do when you are just sitting there?

i remember when i was 16 and pregnant. we had this horrid wallpaper in our bathroom at home with the name 'oleg cassini' printed diagonally across it. i hated it, and now that i think about it i really had no point in mentioning it other than to say that i threw up in that bathroom when i was pregnant and for some reason that wallpaper sticks in my mind.

random memories, you know. or sleep deprivation.

and the fan above me is wobbling. which scares me. because we installed that fan, and it shouldn't wobble.

i suppose that would probably hurt if it fell.

November 04, 1998

Now

i have cough due to cold.

my head doesn't hurt nearly as much as my chest does when i cough, which makes me wonder how all that phlegm built up there in the first place. was i not paying attention? i don't remember having a cold.

i woke up yesterday morning with a dry, scratchy throat. i figured i probably had slept with my mouth open or something due to an inability to breathe otherwise. i could tell right away that it hurt, but i was hoping that it would just go away as the day wore on.

to no avail. i had coughing fits off and on all day long, during which i could hear the crap in my chest trying to loosen up and move around. blech. it sucks to have phlegm. it's probably one of the body's most unattractive things to generate, ranking up there with toejam or something.

but anyway.

i slept like a baby last night, nearly falling asleep as i sat here and talked to jonathan on icq. the alka-seltzer liquid geltabs that i took kicked in full-force, rendering me nearly unconscious as i made my way through the house to go to bed. i laid down and don't remember anything else. i was almost certain that somehow i'd bug todd by making those lovely wheezing noises during the night. apparently, he was as tired as i was or either i didn't make a noise, because he too slept soundly. i woke up when he did this morning, my body now becoming accustomed to this routine of getting up at 5 a.m.

so yeah. good morning. i've been up 20 minutes, used the bathroom and coughed twice. in a minute i plan on straightening up around here (so as to ward off those natural tendencies to let this place become a pig sty), taking my shower and getting ready for work. i've been totally useless at work these days, playing for hours on end in photoshop to get my layer effects to work properly as i crop a menu i created to hell.

ever have those days when you feel like you work your ass off and mostly run in circles, accomplishing nothing? that would be me this week. i can't seem to get a thought to translate properly from my brain to text, image or otherwise. i'm surprised i've actually gotten this far with this entry.

i've had so much going on in my head, though. things in relation to jonathan, things in relation to todd, just things. though i've been dreading it, i'm sorta looking forward to the weekend now so i can have some time away from myself a bit. reflective thinking, you know. everyone needs it.

i've noticed this week that i can't answer a lot of simple questions that jonathan has asked me about my life. questions about me or about decisions i've made. "i don't know," seems like my standard reply, and it's pissing me off a little bit. i was reading somewhere, perhaps in the book i'm currently reading (further down the road less traveled), about what it means when people divert from deep thought, as if to not search for the meaning of their actions. now i'm wondering if that's what i've been doing my whole life...smoothing the surface and not the stuff underneath.

i jokingly mentioned something yesterday about needing the number of a
good psychologist who could help me dig through the mess that is my life. i'm now really wondering if that wouldn't be a good idea.

which also sucks, because it makes me realize that the power i have as an individual might not be as great as the power of the subconscious to bury truths about ourselves.

then again, maybe it's not such a bad thing. i do cope, after all.

it's the eternal quest for truth, i suppose, that makes me want to make sure everything in my life has meaning and substance and that i've made good decisions based on the information i had available for processing at the time.

i suppose now is as good a time as any to start digging.

November 03, 1998

Now

i laugh sometimes at how fast things change in my life. what i find funny is how i am certain that they never will. i'm glad to say i've always been wrong.

and now, there is a new connection... a new person, a new friendship. his name is jonathan.

i can't really put my finger on what makes two people connect in a manner that certainly will change both their lives. but it happens.

the day i met him, i wrote a friend of mine and said something to the effect of "there's this new guy jonathan at work... i'm not sure what it is, but...."

we both knew it was there before we ever said a word to each other. i certainly felt it. i'm positive he did. and it took us a week or so of beating around the bush to finally admit that, "oh, by the way, we're friends."

as if we didn't already know that.

it's all so funny now, looking back. it was just last week, and ever since we've acknowledged our bond i've been thinking and acting differently.

i'm open to change, you know. so i'm purposely leaving myself open on this one.

i can't even imagine it any other way.

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