December 1998 Archives

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December 30, 1998

Now

typically i find a day or two to reflect on my life as another year draws to a close, but quite honestly, i'm so damned tired of introspection that all i really want to do is crawl under a rock and die.

the holiday season is way too long and way too depressing for me to say i enjoy it. i've been faced with living life on my own during one of the most challenging seasons of the entire year, only to have everyone i lean on turn to lean on other people. though i'm sure there is something to be said for self-sufficiency, christmas and new year's is not the time to be testing out that theory.

but i dunno. i shouldn't complain. tomorrow is new year's eve, and i have plans to sit with my daughter and todd on top of raleigh's tallest building and look down at raleigh's acorn as it drops and welcomes 1999. if i didn't have those plans, i'd probably be home reading a book and watching dick clark again.

i've noticed that i've started to compartmentalize my life again, breaking it down into bearable little pieces that i can manage one-on-one. i'm happy mostly with the decisions i have been making, but i'm having a hard time being forthright and honest with everyone about how i'm feeling about it all. that's my biggest problem anyway... being honest about who i am and what i want.

i don't need pressure, that's for sure. or the twenty questions ordeal that makes me feel like i'm on trial. so far the best thing i've found is time. taking this timeout for myself has been a lifesaver... and it's making me a better person to be around, too.

baby steps, i keep telling myself. go forward, not backwards.

and i've even developed a little mantra that i say to myself as i attempt to reconstruct my life: you can't see into the future if you're too busy looking into the past.

(just to remind myself not to take everything too seriously, you know.)

as for resolutions, i have the standard run of the mill ones floating around in my brain... lose weight, learn things, make new friends, expand my mind, open myself up a little more, etc.

and yourself?

December 28, 1998

Now

"here you go," mom said as she handed me what appeared to be cracked pieces of a car's parking light. "by the way, i backed into your car last night and split your front bumper and cracked your parking light. you're holding what fell onto the street."

...

have you ever said "this day can't possibly get any worse" and then turned around and it gets worse? my day yesterday started off fine and grew progressively worse as it wore on. i finally gave up and went to bed just to make it end... and then i couldn't sleep.

i'm tired of life fucking with my sleep.

...

i woke up on sunday at my dad's house at the beach. the kids and i had driven down for a weekend family christmas gathering at my dad's new condo that he and his wife janet just finished buying and redecorating this summer. my aunt carol and her family came, as did two of my deceased grandmother pickett's siblings, my sister and her husband and two kids, and my dad's father and stepmother.

it was the first time the entire holiday i felt the warmth of the season.

i also had a long talk with janet who helped me tremendously by making me feel more normal about what i've been feeling in regard to my recent separation from todd. i finally do feel like i'm going to make it through this crap (and that's just what it is... crap) and be healthy and happy for once.

i'm the eternal optimist. sometimes it just takes me time to find the angle i'm looking for.

...

ok, so about a week ago i finally got my pearl jam live on two legs cd in the mail from musicblvd.com (i shop there exclusively) and i have now determined that it's the one saving grace to this perfectly shitty time in my life. it reminds me a great deal of the pearl jam concert i attended on august 31. no words i can say can describe the feeling i get when i hear some of these songs.

"let music control your attitude," someone told me recently. "don't listen to things that will depress you."

pearl jam seems the perfect fit for me now. keeps me uplifted enough to maintain a trace of optimism about what tomorrow may hold.

December 27, 1998

Now

i need to write. i don't have time... i don't even have my computer set up at the moment. it's sorta discouraging, but at the same time it gives me something to look forward to.

christmas was good, though difficult at moments. i'm glad the season is drawing to a close.

i'll write more soon. 1999 has lots of possibilities, does it not? :)


December 22, 1998

Now

The waiting drove me mad...you're finally here and I'm a mess I take your riches back...can't let you roam inside my head I don't want to take what you can give... I would rather starve than eat your bread... I would rather run but I can't walk... Guess I'll lie alone just like before...

i wake up each morning with a renewed sense of optimism about my life and what i can do with it. if anything good has come out of recent events, it's that. the rest of it is just too new to either like or dislike at this point.

All the things that others want for me... Can't buy what I want because it's free...

i drove home last night (home now being mom's house) and went an older, less familiar route toward durham. i drove highway 70 until it blended in with I-85 south into durham. i then took the gregson street exit that goes past northgate mall, over club boulevard and into an older, more established section of durham.

Even flow, thoughts arrive like butterflies Oh, he don't know, so he chases them away Someday yet, he'll begin his life again Life again, life again...

at the intersection of trinity avenue, i glanced over at the church that i used to attend when i lived in durham as a child. i thought in particular about a lock-in that the youth group i was a member of had at that church, and how billy had attended and i mesmerized by him. that was at the beginning.

and he still gives his love, he just gives it away the love he receives is the love that is saved and sometimes is seen a strange spot in the sky... a human being that was given to fly...

i smiled and kept driving until the street met forest hills drive and took me around the corner to kent street, where i turned into mom's neighborhood.

and now I rub my eyes for he has returned seems my preconceptions are what should have been burned for he still smiles and he's still strong nothing's changed but the surrounding bullshit that has grown and now he's home and we're laughing like we always did my same old same old friend...

there is something really comforting about familiarity and a sense of belonging. the past greets you most of the time with open arms, but it's only there to remind you of where you've been... not really to push you toward anything that will be.

Once divided...nothing left to subtract... Some words when spoken...can't be taken back... Walks on his own...with thoughts he can't help thinking... Future's above...but in the past he's slow and sinking... Caught a bolt 'a lightnin'...cursed the day he let it go...

December 20, 1998

Now

i'm at work now, somewhere in between my house that i no longer live in and my mother's house which will become my new residence for some time to come. it's over, or rather, todd asked me finally to leave the house.

i guess it was hard on us both. i knew that i was having a difficult time staying there.... i just didn't realize how much it was bothering him. so today when he asked me to either agree to "get help or leave" i chose to leave.

i don't like placing myself in situations now where i don't have complete control over what happens to me. it's not that i'm fighting getting help and talking to someone about things that have been and are going on in my life, it's just that i don't like being pushed into something that i've had no decision in.

i'm upset mostly at myself for allowing things to get this way. yes, i was mad at todd this afternoon when he kept pointing the finger at me, but i knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that i deserved all the blame. i am the one who failed here, the one who failed to live up to my end of the bargain. i should have known years ago, way before we were ever married, that if i couldn't be honest about how i was feeling that i shouldn't have gotten married. i convinced myself that my feelings just didn't count... that what he wanted and needed was more important than anything i was feeling or had ever felt.

i was wrong.

and now, as a result, i've hurt a lot of people. and i'm taking the responsibility for that as well. the aloneness i've been feeling the last few hours is indescribable... and it runs rather deep. so does the pain, and the sadness, and this overwhelming feeling of failure.

it's hard not just breaking down and crying, you know. i sometimes can't help it, and the tears just flow. but this is what i wanted.. this is what i've longed for for years... just to be on my own and to live my life as i choose. it just feels so damn scary... and i don't like the feeling i have right now. everything in my world is up in the air.

everything.

needless to say, i'm lacking greatly in the christmas spirit department. i don't feel one bit in the mood for giving and sharing. i don't feel like i deserve any of this, much less anything anyone gives me. i just want it all to be over... all to go away....

i feel like crawling under a rock and dying.

and todd will never believe me probably, but i never really meant to hurt him the way i did and have. i just didn't know how to say the words i should have said so long ago. i didn't know how to tell him that i wasn't the right person for him... that he deserved better, and that i was sorry for not speaking up.

he says now he's not going to speak to me until i get some help... so i guess i won't be speaking to him for some time to come... except when the conversation involves the children. i will get help, but when i have benefits that will pay for counseling and when i have sorted through some of the mess i've created.

it's really hard becoming familiar with my surroundings when everything i've grown accustomed to over the past 16 years of my life is suddenly gone.

i forsee long days and nights at work now... and new patterns to facilitate my mental health and well being. even though all of what has happened has been horribly bad and i probalby handled it all incorrectly, i know that what i'm doing is the right thing for me. that's about the only thing i'm certain of. it's just going to take some time for that rightness to stop feeling so wrong.

December 17, 1998

Now

like the fire

some days i write like the fire, burning through thoughts and words
and emotions in rapid succession
.
.
.
.
........today isn't one of those days, my friend. or at least
it wasn't. and then the emotion was poured on like
gasoline and further fueled by the wind.

they say a storm is brewing in the distance. i can smell it
in the air, feel it in my bones, see it in your eyes.

gently, swiftly, it falls to the ground
dancing downward in the spiral
looking for a new space to fill

it rests, but only briefly before turning into the wind again...
.
.
.
.
.......... he smiled, pulled her close, nuzzled his nose near her
neck and kissed her affectionately.
she couldn't help herself. she giggled.
.
.
.
.
.
it's those moments....the pure sweet innocent ones of a bond forming
the surety of tomorrow's coming
and the understanding of connections that run deep

it's those moments i want
it's those moments that define me
it's those moments that define my life
.
.
.
....the fire burns, steadily, guiding itself to the undergrowth

tossing
turning

and the ever-observant wildlife watches safely from a distance before turning to run away in search of a new home

the cycle of normalcy begins, and time moves on
inching forward quietly
taking with it our pain
and the ashen memories
of yesteryear

December 16, 1998

Now

ok, so i won my first three eBay auctions... in a row! i only bid on three items... and lo and behold, i was the high bidder in all of them.

the first item i won was a Strangers in Paradise trade paperback signed by Terry Moore, the author... i'm an avid collector of SiP stuff and really admire Terry's work, so i just HAD to have it. you know. i actually own the trade paperback anyway, so perhaps i'll sell my current copy or something.

and then i big on a double-cd set of Tori Amos, live in Atlanta, GA (9/98)... from her current tour! this will make THREE bootlegs i own of her current tour... i can't even begin to describe how much i enjoy hearing live tori.

and then i bought another tori amos bootleg from the kansas city show of her 1996 dew drop inn tour.

so yeah, i'm happy. i also ordered the new pearl jam live cd the other day, along with the raspberry swirl single (have you seen the picture of her on the cover? omigod!). sometimes you just have to indulge, you know?

i guess i'm over-compensating for how shitty i've been feeling. just this morning i snapped when mom started questioning me about the family christmas get together, which we are having this sunday. i'm just not in the spirit whatsoever, and my mind is more on relaxing and not having to answer difficult questions.

mom kept apologizing, i kept saying i had to go. i hung up and sat here at my desk for a little while and cried. typical of how things are going for me lately.

i need to talk to jonathan. sometimes just saying the things on my mind make the day a bit better.

so blah.

tomorrow is another day.

December 15, 1998

Now

the internet is awfully quiet these days. quiet and at the same time eerily loud.

i haven't much to say, honestly. my emotions are too wrapped up inside me, so tightly wound that i don't have a clue how to deal with them. sometimes you just have to sit back and let these things come on their
own.

so that's my plan. take it one day at a time, think a little bit into the future and try to figure out what it is that i want and need.

i have a great opportunity this week to spend some quality time with my family and to get into the holiday season. i'm taking it.

it's weird, though, you know. at the same time i feel like i'm losing part of myself somehow. normal never stays that way, does it?

and todd bought me roses... 6 of them.... told me he didn't buy them to make me feel bad or guilty or any of that stuff. said he bought them because i was special. he even included a little teddy bear named as such.

it's the second bear i've ever owned. and he bought both of them. the night we discussed the kids and the house and who would get what, i sat in the living room in the dark holding the other teddy bear, a big one that easy to hug. i cried a lot that night. and i cry a lot when i think about what we talked about that night.

it's those little things that make it so hard, even when i know he didn't mean for me to feel this way. it's knowing that i am hurting him, knowing that i am finally being honest and that i can break out of a 13-year rut with myself and get healthy. it's hard... no matter how callous i may come across sometimes.

i can't help but be who i am. no apologies.

December 14, 1998

Now

ok, so i've found something new to be addicted to: eBay! i've already placed several bids on several items, all relating to tori, mind you. and i just can't stop looking.

mmmm. eBay.... mmmm.

god help me, i still haven't done any christmas shopping. the way i figure, i will just buy everyone in my family gift certificates from amazon.com and be done with it. the kids will get cool stuff, i won't have to face the lines in the malls anywhere... and besides, shopping online is fun!

......

and as the case is, i'm really not in the mood to talk about or deal with recent happenings at my house. normalcy is gone, all measures of it, and i walk on thin ice much of the time.

it's not easy, folks. it really isn't.

i have mood swings from hell. so does todd.

i have absolutely NO christmas spirit this year. bah humbug.

but i'm curious, anyone know of any good books about separation and/or divorce? let me know!

December 12, 1998

Now

i probably shouldn't be writing this, seeing as i'm about to leave to go to the company christmas party and i'm really in the dumps, but i sorta wanted to document the day.

information overload, you know.

maybe some day i'll feel like writing about it.

happy holidays... ho ho ho... i'm off to get drunk.

:-)

December 11, 1998

Now

it's friday, at last.

i sit here at work, surrounded by the mess i've been creating all week long. an apache server book is open to a section detailing the ins and outs of server side includes. i read how to turn them on in the configuration files for the server, did what it said to, but my results weren't successful. the ssi calls i've been implementing don't work, and i don't know why.

so there's another reason i'm glad it's friday. i'm tired of thinking.

there's also a post-donation information sheet on my desk that i received following my whole blood donation this morning. i still feel a bit light-headed. it could be that i haven't eaten anything much today. a cookie, some juice.

i really just want to go home and crawl under the covers.

yeah so. i talked to todd today, and he's mad about something. i feel like i go around half my life wondering who is mad at me and who isn't. what have i done? did i forget to do something? why does everyone seem angry at me all the time?

i give up trying to figure it out. i figure todd will eventually come home, call me, tell me why he's mad and then i'll be left to deal with whatever it is that is ticking him off.

god help me, i'm tired of talking. i am tired of avoiding the emotional side of this whole thing too. why did i ever agree to stay through the holidays is beyond me. it was a mistake...but i refuse to leave until i've spoken to my attorney and figured out what can and can't be done.

i don't want to fuck up anything, you know. i'm already putting the damage on heavily.

so yeah.

on the way to work this morning, i cried. i thought a lot about my kids, a lot about what it's going to be like not to have them around. and then i just couldn't stop the tears for a moment or two.

i know there will be many more moments like this to come. i just hate thinking about it.

i guess i can't prevent the world from falling down around me, trapping me inside for a little while and making me dig my way out. shit is going to happen. there will be no milk some days.

....

so i woke up this morning around 5 or so and got on irc. had a good time, for a change, yaking it up with people in #xircon that i hadn't seen in awhile and meeting others. dave even popped online, fixed the tcl that was broken, chatted with me a few moments and then wandered away from his window to program or something.

i bullshitted most of the time, as i often do. i read email. i stopped long enough to take the kids to school and came back and bullshitted some more.

irc is thoughtless. you don't really have to think to be involved. you just have to type and have natural wit or something. if that, even.

but the morning to myself was nice... something i really hadn't done in a long time. and it beat laying around the couch and trying to figure out why todd isn't speaking to me.

December 10, 1998

Now

it wasn't a notion that started this whole thing, and it's not going to be a notion that finishes it either. it's something i can't avoid, something i can't deny, or push aside, or pretend isn't there.

it's a part of me. it's inside of me.

i always tend to hate the part where i analyze it to pieces, too. we even get into arguments sometimes over who said what, what was meant by something that was said, why something was said the way it was.

heh. arguments! can you believe that?

as it turns out, being blunt is a really direct approach to getting beyond the things that are bothersome. i just have a really hard time believing that i'm that transparent, that my weaknesses are laid out on the table and have already been examined one by one. i have a hard time accepting the fact that i am acceptable, too.

someone pinch me, i'm dreaming. i must be.

it's amazing how i've lived my life without knowing all the things i suddenly know now. amazing that i ever felt whole, or fulfilled, or sated. it's amazing how i thought i knew a lot about everything, but instead knew much about nothing.

you know, this encourages me for the future. it really does. if i'm learning and experiencing this much now, imagine the future and what's out there for me to experience.

i'm just so happy about it all. so optimistic. for the first time in forever, i'm focusing on my wants and needs and not on the wants and needs of others.

you just have to learn to let go sometimes, he told me. and though i heard the words and believed them to be true, i never could bring myself to do just that. let go. relax. enjoy.

it's not mechanical. or methodical. it's so much more than that.... it really is. and now, finally, i know that.

i'm 31, and i just started living.

December 07, 1998

Now

location: home
mood: even
status: just ate dinner, need to clean living room.

tonight is the annual "get off your ass and clean things up" night. i've been procrastinating again, and i'm a bit sick of the notion that i must clean so i can set things up that i'll have to clean in a month.

weird. just thinking about that felt funny. a lot of things feel funny lately, but i'm either too tired or too agnostic to do anything about them.

meetings today, lots of them. and some general conversation with jonathan about life and meaning and figuring out what you want. i didn't realize that my path is cut so neatly until i saw him struggling to find the light.

i feel much the bitch lately, but i guess that goes with the territory. i called an attorney today who wanted to charge me $225 for the initial consultation just to go over what i can expect through this wonderful separation process. i'd rather milk cows or something, you know. blah. i expect already that i won't be going in for the appointment i tentatively set.

i do have a few more names of attorneys to call. i suppose i put that off for various reasons, but one of them the whole deal of having to think about all the details. fucking details, i tell you. it's what life is all about these days.

i get home today and there is a sticky note stuck to my monitor that says that bellsouth finally called regarding my ADSL installation. sorta amazes me that it took them 7 months to get to me. yes, i signed up for this mess in may. MAY!

but oh well. too little too late, i'll just have to sign up for it again when i get a new place to live. that'll probably be a ways off, to be sure. in the meantime, i guess i'll be rooming with mom.

life changes quickly. is that just me?

what i fear is that it's going to get worse. which i'm sure it will. todd's in overdrive, i'm in panic mode. we try to get along, and succeed, most of the time, but most of the time i sit around feeling guilty about wanting things in my life and have my defenses way up. and then todd is all nice, and i feel bad for not wanting the things that i've been saying i did.

i m ean i do. i love my kids....that's not changing. i just don't want to be married. for 12 years i've known this... and tried really hard to make this thing work. we've been through hell together. and i do love him. i just don't want this.

not anymore.

so yeah, there is some guilt and there is some fear, too. of the unknown. of life itself... of making choices that turn out badly. i just want the things i want when i want them.

argh. now doesn't that sound bitchy? i know, it does. but hey, i can't help that anymore.

so life will go on. and i want it to. it's just on super-slow motion now in some regards, and in fast forward in others.

and i'm supposed to be sane. ha!


Now

if it weren't for the friends in my life who actually gave a shit about me, i'd have no friends at all. sometimes they save me when i'm drowning, other times they just throw me a life preserver when they see me beginning to sink.

at any rate, i'm glad people actually care. because, you know, as it goes, i have no fucking clue what i'm doing most of the time.

nancy and i talked for quite awhile last night, and she was pointing out some things to me that i'm doing wrong. she says i should have told todd i wanted out and then moved immediately. she says i shouldn't try to be so nice and easygoing through this all. "you'll soon enough know why i say this," she told me.

i suppose she's right, but dammit... being a bitch doesn't come easy for me most of the time. and besides that, it's hard enough knowing that i'm hurting someone i deeply care about and love. i don't know when to stop feeling guilt over my decision... or whether i should even start.


i need a good book, a good psychiatrist, a good lawyer, or all of the above.

no, i haven't YET contacted an attorney. i've got a name now... so i have a good clue where to start. and though todd and i wanted to handle this whole separation stuff without bringing a lawyer into it, it's pretty much inevitable since we have kids.

and maybe i should go ahead and move to mom's... maybe i should just stop it with the old and start with the new and not wait for the holidays to pass. i mean, this stuff is hard... hell, it's excrutiatingly painful.

i just dunno sometimes though. i hate seeing todd upset. i hate hurting him. i hate not being in control of my emotions.

and i'm none of that lately. i'm just a basketcase.

and then there's being ok with decisions i've made. i'm running in circles now, either because of not really being out of the situation i'm in, or because i'm living in fear of accepting the choices i've already made.

todd says he understands. i'm not totally sure he does, but i'm sure that he will, eventually. i just hope he doesn't hate me at the end of it. but i can't focus on that too much.

and what is it with this warm weather we're having here in north carolina and christmas being less than three weeks away? you know. what the hell is up with that? i'm not even in the christmas spirit. i've purchased no gifts yet. we have no christmas decorations. i don't much care about christmas, or the new year, or much else.

i quit xircon.com, but now i'm reconsidering because there might be some type of source code release.

i feel so fucking wishy washy. i probably am. and that's ok too.

things are changing. nothing is normal, except change.

and i need to get my shit together. i'm dragging my feet. wanting to help everyone i've hurt, wanting so desperately to cling to something familiar.

space. time. freedom. all of these things are going to help me achieve the
balance i'm so desperately seeking.

and i shouldn't feel bad for any decisions i'm making. not in regard to
todd, not in regard to the kids, not in regard to myself. i'm empowered now..
and i know what's best for me and the kids... i really do. i don't have to
explain myself to every passer-by. i really don't, so dammit i'm going to
make a point of not explaining anything when people look all confused at
me.

i really wish people would just stop asking me sometimes how my weekend was. or how i'm doing. i'm not fine... really. i'm having a shitty time of it lately. tori doesn't even calm me like she used to... even though i am giving her all the chances in the world to do so (i go nowhere without her). but god, the old standard of "how are things?" is just such bullshit, you know?

think about whether you really care how people are before you ask.

sometimes people fake it just for the sake of faking it, you know. but in the long run, the truth surfaces, ugly as it may be. and when people discover that you are incapable of letting yourself go in that way, they take it personally, even when you've told them it's not them, it's you.

so i guess it's normal to feel lost. and to feel like no one really understands. because when it comes right down to it, no one can ever really know all the inner workings of your mind.. you know? i shouldn't have allowed myself to slip into that depressed mode saturday night when i was driving home from wilson after spending a whole day burning tori bootleg cds, watching tori videos and generally
obsessing over her.

because even though i may be depressed on the surface, or even somewhat below it, i'm generally ok... because i know... i KNOW... that i'm making good choices now.

i just hate it that i have to wade through more shit and more pain before the good stuff begins to happen.

fucking hell, as tori said this past spring. fucking hell.

December 05, 1998

Now

sometimes tori says it all

give me peace, love...

and a hard cock..

.
.
.

(how can you NOT dig tori?)

.
.
.

yeah so, i quit doing the webmaster stint at xircon.com. it was a really cool deal at first... i was more than happy to help mark out with his kickass little program.

but then he just stopped working on it and stopped caring or something. and everyone pushed for more. which probably made him regress more.

personally, i think it was ultima online that sucked him in. but who really cares? the point is he stopped giving a damn.

so why did i waste more than a year updating scripts and making sure that links were correct and in working order? and why did i ever think he would come back to it?

i guess i was optimistic. or that maybe i really enjoyed working with him on it and didn't want the experience to end.

but it did. a long long time ago.

so i finally just let go. thanked him for the memory and i'm moving on.

(to what, i don't know. but that's not the point.)

yeah, he made me stupid.

:-)


December 04, 1998

Now

dammit!

my teeth fucking hurt.

my head hurts.

my eyes hurt.

i'm tired of thinking.

why can't life just be easy?

and why can't i just have my way? i'm going to have it, you know.

i burp beer, but i had less than one and the pizza came after the beer anyway and i don't burp that.

i expressed my emotions today. slow down. hold on.

i looked at an apartment today. i cried a little afterward. i didn't tell anyone.

i sit alone in the dark because the lights are too bright and hurt my eyes and besides the darkness comforts me still.

i thought about mark today. i thought about the things i felt when i used to talk to him and i wondered why i ever felt them. life is so much more complex than that.

i've fooled myself into thinking that i'm ready to live. sometimes i think i'm regressing back into childhood and just want someone to tell me that everything is going to be okay.

a friend told me today that i was a beautiful person and that i would be okay and that all this pain is going to pass. and then i cried because it felt so nice to actually hear those words from someone who i once knew so well and i didn't think knew me anymore. but he did. and does. and on saturday, i'm going to see him and we're gonna listen to tori and read comic books and talk trash about people we don't like. and i'm looking forward to it.

my teeth still hurt. goddamned sinuses.

my actions are sometimes deemed highly inappropriate. and i think that's half the thrill.

my eyes hurt. a lot. they are heavy. i should be sleeping but my head was hurting so bad that i couldn't.

it's 12:47 a.m. and i haven't hugged my children today.

yet.

December 03, 1998

Now

thirty-two years ago on this day, i was conceived. i know this only because i've heard the story a million times about how my father took advantage of my mother the night of my grandfather's 50th birthday party when she was drunk off cold duck.

so yes. it's true.

di is a cold duck baby.

i suppose this explains quite a few things, eh?

December 01, 1998

Now

resorting to my own defenses

i was describing my current state of mind the other day to todd, and i told him there i was, standing on the inside of this huge wall that surrounds me. i said i fought whenever anyone got near the wall, and i fought with a full army.

that's what's been going on with me lately. i'm struggling to just be me and be okay with that. i'm struggling with a lot of doubts i have in my mind about what i want and where i want to go. this stuff is just happening and i haven't been able to express my emotions worth a damn until just recently.

last night i exploded.

i don't like the way i was acting, but i didn't know how else to express all the crap i was feeling inside. there's this big anxiety to live and enjoy myself even though i know it's what i want. i'm fearful of my future because for the first time in awhile, i'm uncertain of what direction i'm moving.

i realized that i cage a lot of my feelings, just as i always have, and keep them bottled up. i've got to stop doing this... it's not healthy for me and it's not healthy the way i handle things when i explode either.

i want to just want the things i want and everyone understand. i want to just live my life in peace, without having to explain every movement or decision i make.

i want understanding.

i want love.

i want my independence, and i'll fight for it tooth and nail.

don't tell me what to do. don't pass judgment on my decisions. just accept me for who i am.

and if you can't, it's just like you climbing that wall and wanting to get inside me. i won't let you in.

the compromise i'm making with myself is not to be so hard on other people. open up more, accept who i am more.

all these changes... all of them so fast... i sometimes catch myself reeling out of control.

last night, that happened.

today, i'm trying to forgive my imperfections and keep pushing toward the things i want.

nothing can stop me now.

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