January 1999 Archives

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January 05, 1999

Now

i want to write about everything here, but i can't.

todd or todd's friends read it.

i want to write about what's going on inside my head, but i can't.

todd or todd's family reads it.

i am now a prisoner in my own webspace, fearful of writing the wrong thing and evoking a response that isn't beneficial to me or todd.

so, be as it may, my hands are tied temporarily. i've done what i can to prevent the intrusion into my life by the people who are part of it, but i can't really block but so much from happening with the controls i have on this end. so i give up. or give in. or whatever.

i'm pissed.

todd took away from me the only saving grace i had... my writing. well, not really took away... but took the pleasure out of sharing it in the manner that i've grown so accustomed to.

i can't explain why i like to write and share my life the way i do. i just do. it's like any author or journalist or writer...we write to communicate. this was my way of speaking, i guess.

and i'll get it back. and write. and post it all for the world to see. i'm just in a bit of a predicament at the moment. if i say too much, it could be used against me in a court of law. if i don't say anything, it drives me nuts.

so i don't know about the future of NOW or pickett-ink.com or anything. all i know is that my life is not my own at the moment, and that divorce is the route i'm headed for if the way things have been going is any indication.

but no more feeling sorry for myself or any of that jazz. i'm taking the high road from now on... not biting the bait to argue or fight or any of that shit. there's just no point in acting like a child about things that are beyond my control.

i don't need the crap, you know.

simplify, simplify, simplify.

the rest should come easy.

January 02, 1999

Now

god help me i'm so freakin' bored i could just scream.

this has got to be the LONGEST damned holiday season ever. and nothing seems to be going the way i want it to, so i'm going to waste my time and just whine whine whine.

waaaaaaaaaaaaah.

but i should shut up already.. i realize that. i should just be thankful for all the wonderful things that i do have, and not be so damned pessimistic about what i can't have at this point.

i want my own place, for one. living with my parents is okay most of the time, but this weekend i've started to feel a bit cramped and muffled. like i can't say or do what i want.

and to top that off, my mother has gone about defending my husband's actions. friday night he got upset with me when we were having a conversation about me not coming back home anytime soon, and he punched a hole in the laundry room door. i blinked at him, gathered my things and left.

when i told mom, all she could say was something like "you have to understand that he's going through a difficult time right now."

um. HELLOOOOOO? he's not the only one going through a difficult time right now. i'm your daughter. i need your support. why are you constantly telling me how difficult this is on everyone else?

it's the lowest blow i could have possibly received, but i guess in a small way i figured she'd say something like that to me. i have never had a close relationship with my mother and don't feel that i can trust her 100% with my deepest thoughts or anything. so it's really hard on me right now having to lean on my father, who is a few hours away, and the few friends i've managed to keep around.

but the point was for me to learn to depend on myself and to trust myself and stuff. so i guess from that perspective everything is going ok. i just want the emotional support from my mother that i've never received and it hurts that i don't get it. what kind of book can help me get beyond that?

like i said, i'm just in a whiny bitchy mood. i need to get a life.

the email i've gotten from people in the last couple of days has been really uplifting, i might add. i need to get off my lazy ass and return some email, but that's a whole separate ballgame. i've finally set up my computer in my mother's living room and have it all working great again... but she's only got one phone line and i can't manage to find a good time to be online, check my email and respond appropriately before someone wants to use the phone or is concerned about what i'm doing.

i'm going nuts, people. i'm losing my freakin' mind.

i need my old part-time job at the newspaper back so i can have an opportunity to earn money and get out of the house and have a life or something of the sort.

and more than anything, i need to stop whining.

hurry up weekend and END. it's time for the holiday season to be OVER.

:-)

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