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temporary insanity. i'm in the midst of the calm. the storm is all around.
sometimes an aggravating silence creeps into me... and keeps me there. it's not harsh, but subtle rather. strangely so. i had a hard time believing that i could have fallen victim. when did it happen?
it's a progression, i've discovered. and so it will be in reverse... these things take time. and love.. and extremely large quantities of both. .
i had hoped to be a bit more productive this week, but it seems that reading asp and generally trying to understand existing code has me beyond tired... to the point of overload.
or something. i've got to learn to relax to aid the process of soaking this stuff up, but there's so much that i have to know in a short period of time that i'm freaking out a little about it. project management skills to the rescue, i've started mapping out specifics for how this whole deal will come together. it's a project that has been done and can be done very easily to most novice asp users. granted, i'm quite sure i can muster my way through the tasks and have successful results (with a little help from coworkers).. but i'm not quite to the point of feeling confident.
on the flip side, being this stressed has caused me to take on new sleeping habits.. seems i'm dead tired by 10 at night now... usually out like a light soon after laying down.
i've stopped walking. it's been almost 3 weeks now. i can feel it... my body feels crappy and i generally feel like i could be treating myself better. i need to take on new habits when stress happens so that i work toward feeling better at all costs versus feeling worse. i wonder why i do this. i know walking makes me feel good instantly... and it's a great way to reconnect with myself and remind myself of what's important.
i was walking 15 miles a week before i stopped. sometimes more, rarely less. and then bam, i just stopped. i shouldn't have done that... it's really bad for my body. and the real thing here is that i just need to change my habits and stick with what works. i guess my lack of confidence sometimes overrides my brain. i let some of the silliest stuff bother me... and i need to learn to let go and let it flow.
it's monday. and i've been reading a book on ASP and my brain hurts.
so it's no wonder that this amused me as i refreshed to see the random error messages. this is indeed proof that sometimes it's the small stuff that matters.
of course, sometimes it's not.
:)
i was surprised at the results. i consider myself less avoidant/dependent and more obsessive-compulsive. but what do i know?
Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Moderate
Schizoid: High
Schizotypal: High
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Moderate
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: High
Avoidant: High
Dependent: High
Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate
i'm incredibly tired at the moment. i ate a big lunch over in the dining hall on campus with my co-workers, and then returned to my office to dive into the manuals for dreamweaver and fireworks. since then i've been learning a lot of things.. and reading a lot on the web about extending dreamweaver's capabilities. i really wish i could take off my bra, put on my comfy shorts and shirt, put some music on and get to work. but i can't because i'm at work now.. and i'm pretty sure that some people here would be deeply offended (or amazed or confused) if the bra wasn't on.
i'm not complaining though. i just need a nap and to get comfortable. i also need to move my computer to the other side of this desk so that my back isn't facing the door. jon got me a couple of those mirrors that you stick on your monitor so you can see when someone is walking up behind you, but i'm still not comfortable with my back turned to people when they walk in. by then it's too late (if i was surfing for porn or whatever) and i can't expect to be able to alt+tab that quickly.
it's not that i'm hiding anything. it's just that i hate having someone stand over my shoulder and watch what i'm doing. it drives me nuts, and honestly i think it's rude. so why invite trouble?
today is going much better than yesterday. i was about to leave for work yesterday morning when i realized that i couldn't find my keys. i couldn't find them over the weekend either, but it wasn't that big of a deal since i wasn't going anywhere. but yesterday morning i needed them, and they were nowhere to be found. while frantically searching, i remembered that i had a spare key from when i cleaned out my desk at pliant. so i dumped the contents of a bag from my previous office all over the floor, found the key and left for work. needless to say, that didn't make for a great start to a new week. and when i arrived 20 minutes late, i was already tossing in the towel. my mood was shot and i still had no clue where my damned keys were.
my objective when returning home yesterday evening was search and destroy. everything was going to be turned inside out until the keys were found. so i did that.. to some extent. and was growing more and more frustrated as my intensive search was yielding no results. i decided to clean up instead, and remembered that i needed to take the trash can down to the curb for today's trash pick up. and then it dawned on me that the keys may be in the one garbage bag that i took out of the house on sunday. so there i am, standing in my driveway, picking through my garbage.. searching for my keys... praying to st. anthony (i was told he was the saint of all items lost).. and viola! my keys were there... buried under wads of used paper towels and a good amount of solidified hamburger grease. they were nasty but they were located!
so my monday ended better than expected, and quite honestly i was amazed that the prayer to st. anthony had worked its charm. i had been told it would happen.. and what do you know.. it did. or it could have been coincidence... depending on one's perspective.
my brain is turning to mush. i've been sitting in front of the computer all day downloading binaries from usenet and feeling like i'm doing something productive when it's perfectly clear that i'm not. i don't understand why i'm downloading half the crap i've selected anyway... i've got most of it around here already on a burned cd... but i think it's the convenience of having it on this hard drive or something.
i've also been trying to collect the original songs from tori's upcoming cd, strange little girls. i figure it'll be good to have something to compare her versions with.. since i'm not familiar with most of the songs. i am quite looking forward to the new cd, however... and to the tour that is supposed to begin in september. i'm definitely going to see her in concert, whether she comes to north carolina or not. it's just one of those things i must do. tori is a deeply emotional experience for me.. something i've yet to share with anyone in my realm of friends. i wish i knew someone who understood how she communicates.. or knew someone she had reached the way she has reached me. she's touring alone this year... no band... just a girl and her piano.. and from what i understand this is exactly the way tori was meant to be heard. so i'm quite looking forward to the experience.
jon is on his way over here now.. we're going to watch last week's episode of six feet under, my newest favorite show on tv. hbo has done a great job with this one.. it's intriguing to watch the personalities they've put together in this series follow any given plot. it's just a good show. so i'm catching up from missing last week's episode, and tomorrow night a new one comes on again. so i'll be watching that too. i rarely find myself called to the television for any reason.. but sex in the city and six feet under are must-sees for me.
guess i'll go get the folded clothes off the bed so i have somewhere to lay down and vegetate when the program begins. more later... maybe.. :)
i've made a decision... i want to go into space before i die.. how very cool that would be. jon and i giggled tonight thinking about it...
i also watched 2001: A Space Odyssey tonight for the first time ever. i've been so underexposed to movies and such.. and he's exposing me to all things geek. i love it.. because there are so many references in the world to things i've never seen... like Star Wars (yes, i know.. amazing, isn't it? i've never seen Star Wars or any of the sequels).
hrm. appears to be bedtime as jon lay seemingly unconscious beside me.
my cold seems to be waning, which is great. so i'm feeling a little better and have my head all into this software today. i found a set of headphones, and i'm about to run to the car to grab a number of tori cds so i can work like i'm used to working.
tonight after work it's off to mom's house to help her get word installed so she can edit the policy documents i created for her a few weeks ago. i'll be glad when my responsibility for that project is taken care of and i'm no longer needed. i feel like i'm spread a bit thin at the moment anyway... what with all my new responsibilities at work and home. it's hard sometimes wanting to help others and not finding any time or inclination to do so.
i felt a little lonely this morning, even though i woke up next to jon. i guess my morning has to start a bit earlier than his, so essentially when i'm ready to leave, he's just getting up. the lazy days of unemployment are gone... so i need to stop being sad that there's a lack of quality time at every juncture. this is real life. even so, i had about ten minutes to spare before i had to leave... and i mentioned to him that i was going to lay down and just enjoy the time with him. he wandered into his computer room... and i guess that sort of upset me... so i gathered my bags and told him goodbye. when i arrived at work, he had left me a message and wanted to know why i was unhappy. i told him i needed affection, but was otherwise ok and not to worry. we discussed the miscommunication of this morning.. turns out he was just going to start a cd burning of last night's mpeg conversions.. and then was going to come back and snuggle with me for a few minutes. but i never gave him the chance as i promptly left.
sometimes it doesn't pay to keep the fragile ego protected behind the walls i build.
now i miss him and look forward to more time with him. but tonight it probably won't happen.. and i'm still not sure on plans for tomorrow. we'll see.
ok, so now i have a lunch date on friday. i wish i could say i was looking forward to it... but in reality, i'm not because i'm really not into the whole dating scene. i think perhaps this makes it quite obvious that i prefer my small circle of friends... and anything outside of that is a bit overwhelming for me these days.
spent the majority of the afternoon learning fireworks... which wasn't too hard of a transition from the adobe web products.. but it's different enough that it'll take me a little while to get used to what i'm doing. i was glad to see that i moved quickly through the lessons and had little or no trouble... because i've got six weeks.. five really... to get a new design up and going. i figure i'll spend a few evenings at home tweaking a new interface. my boss wants a couple of new ideas... one he sort of gave me a website to design from (which is all well and good, but i don't like stealing design ideas much) and i've got my own ideas forming based on some sample websites that the dean of academic affairs suggest i take a look at.
the world i've entered at my new job is greatly political in nature.. and quite honestly i'm hoping to avoid that type of bullshit if at all possible. like most everything else, this should prove to be quite interesting.
anyway, bedtime for me.. tomorrow is yet another full day.
just got back from lunch... met an old friend and a friend of his... and now i think it was a setup... because at the end of lunch, my friend suggested to his friend that he should take me out sometime.. and the only response i could think of was, "ahh... so now you're playing matchmaker... i see how you are..."
i guess i'd go on a date. but it would have to be less of a date and more of a friend thing. because i'm not really interested in dating... but i'm definitely interested in meeting more people, going out and having fun.
also got macromedia ultradev 4 fireworks 4 studio... so i'm about to install and spend the rest of my day actually being productive.
amazing, isn't it? :)
i'm at work at meredith college and figured i'd set up a blog while i was waiting for my new copy of macromedia ultradev 4 fireworks 4 studio to arrive. this is my second week of work, and i have yet to see any software. it's a bit frustrating to sit here at a computer for 8 hours a day and busy myself doing much of nothing. but there's a paycheck at the end of this, so i can't bitch and moan but so much.
i am joining the ranks of many bloggers and felt that this was the way to go to post to my site with ease. i've been wanting to design something new.. and probably will ultimately create a better and new interface for this site... but for now this is about all i feel like doing.
i've been getting sick for the past few days.. a cold or somesuch. my body aches, especially my neck. it's tight as hell on one side... i've been convinced that it's my sinuses and that what i feel in my neck is the core of an infection... but today i realized that it really started hurting after i had been sitting here for a little while.. so i'm beginning to wonder if it has something to do with the ergonomics of this chair i'm sitting in or if it's all in my head. anyway, my nose is running and i can barely hear out of my left ear due to the improper fluid levels somewhere deep in my head.
am i complaining? i think so. it's probably not a good idea to complain about this stuff because essentially there's not a lot i can do. or that you can do. so i'll shut up about the cold. maybe i'll just get better without the benefit of drugs.
i've been spending a lot of time this week with jonathan, as my daughter is at the beach with my aunt and her daughter and my son is staying with friends. we've been working around his house a lot... and it's been good for us, too. he's such a good friend to me above and beyond anything else.. and honestly, that's what i need right now. he bought me flowers yesterday.. when i walked in they were sitting on the counter and i smiled in spite of my bad mood. instant cheer. amazing what a little thoughtfulness can do for a girl.
it's been so stressful on each of us lately... me with the recent unemployment situation.. and now him with the wondering what the heck is going to happen to pliant now that they've been purchased. he still doesn't know if he'll have a job.. or if he does have one, what the salary will be, etc. i'm ready for all of this crap to be behind us.. there are so many other issues that require attention. but as he says, we have nothing but time. and what's the rush anyway?
i think i just want a perfect world and want it now. alone. with someone. whatever the case, i'm tired of all my emotional ups and downs plaguing my life. i'm ready for some type of normalcy to kick in (where normalcy != chaos) and for life to settle back down for awhile.
a paycheck will probably help. is it the 25th yet? :)
