April 2003 Archives

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April 30, 2003

Making Lists

i'm starting to make lists of things i want to get done around my house, things i want to get done at work, financial goals i have, organizing i want to accomplish.... it goes on and on. i realize all too often that i'm sitting around doing nothing about the mess that is my life. i want to be proud of bringing people to my house... but currently it lacks warmth and that inviting feeling. i'm trying to change that.

it's going to take time.. much like everything else these days. so the lists will be made, and me working towards something positive will start to take over.

it is spring, after all.

April 22, 2003

And the beat goes on...

life marches on.

it's amazing to me how the pain can become normal in the course of a couple of weeks, and how life continues to march on by. there are more subtle changes now in the way things are happening. i'm withdrawing, he's withdrawing, and we're both exploring life without the other. i never realized how painful it could be to feel someone i love slip away from me, but i understand fully now. it's still somewhat a shock to think that we're not together.

this is my reality now... and i find that the hope i hold onto about us getting back together is waning, and i'm becoming more realistic in my day to day approach to life. it really hurts to let go. it feels wrong, and unnatural, and foreign. are there more ways to describe the place i'm in now? i never imagined it would be like this. i guess i didn't think beyond where i was at the moment when i told him i couldn't foresee marrying him anymore. that was my reality then, and it still is... it's just that more realities have sunk in now about what that means exactly.

my body is stressed. i ache, and have pains.. and i don't feel as intoxicated with life as i did a few months ago. but that's ok.. i know that's normal ebb and flow stuff that will correct itself as time continues to tick past. i'm walking, i'm doing some yoga and some reiki, i'm really learning to listen to the emotions as they flow through me.

if you change one thing, it changes everything. it's something to remember when making big changes... and it's a lesson i'm learning well. you just gotta learn to hang on when the tides are moving in.

April 08, 2003

Changing Stages

i'm working past denial into anger now, and i find that i have random moments of being really pissed off that my romantic relationship with jon has ended. PISSED! it doesn't seem fair that two people who love each other can't make it work. i guess the differences are too great.

i still love him, but there has been so much pain in recent days and weeks that it's hard to feel anything other than heartache. he's withdrawn from me romantically. we spend very little quality time together. again, all expected, but still vastly different from what things were like just a few short weeks ago.

this is the first time i've ever been alone. this is my chance at building a life for myself without a man there as a crutch. i am surviving. i can admit that it doesn't feel very good a lot of the time and it's not easy.

but i'm ok.

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