May 2003 Archives

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May 28, 2003

WTF?

what. the. fuck.

heh. i love the way that looks. it's my favorite phrase these days. and currently, i'm working on the interface to get those favorite phrases up and added dynamically.

i took some pictures this weekend. they are still sitting on the compact flash card in the camera. i'll get motivated to download them soon, i'm sure. maybe post them for the handful of people who know where to find them.

tomorrow is my last day at work this week. in order to be off friday i had to make up four hours in three days. not too hard to do, but tiring. i'll be glad to sleep in friday morning.

june is around the corner. i'm feeling a change in the air... are you?

May 27, 2003

Presence

what is it that i want?

i desire one thing. presence. not the intrusion of humanity nor the emptiness of solitude but the feeling that i am not alone- that there is a source of external thought, sometimes discordant and others harmonious with my own. to be able to reach out and feel existence, substance and ghost. more than just positional presence or sexual gratification but the absence of absence. my one goal in life is presence. presence with someone i love who is at my side, not in front of me nor behind me but walking in a sidelong mutual embrace. i desire understanding yet i also desire to be questioned and proven wrong. i need to be with. i need to be beside. i need to interact. i don't need shades of grey, nor blinding whites or empty blacks. i exist for brilliant shades of color that mix with my own to create a palette of companionship and separated unity. presence.

thank you, harley, for the words you wrote so long ago that so adequately describe what it is that i'm looking for in this life.

May 20, 2003

!@#%^!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHH!


I AM NOT HAPPY!

May 19, 2003

Miami Trip

miami was great. i needed the break from my life in north carolina and the escape to sunny miami. i thoroughly enjoyed myself and had a great time relaxing... look at the pictures!


let's see... had the IVP done and they didn't find a stone afterall. so either i passed it a couple of weeks ago or i never had one to start with. my doctor now wants to send me to a urologist, but i don't think i'm going to do that. it just seems like i'm spending a lot of money lately on doctors who essentially tell me that nothing is wrong with me. maybe i should go to a shrink, eh? ;-)


i've enjoyed getting things done around my house, still. the lists are growing and i'm slowly getting things accomplished. this past weekend it was rearranging the living room. i'm having a time of it trying to make the house feel like me. that probably sounds weird, but the furniture i have isn't mine and there's very little on the walls and otherwise that make it feel like home. so i'm working on changing that and creating a different energy in my personal space.


work is good... slow. i should probably take advantage of the time and continue to work with PHP and learn all that i can. i'm slowly getting back into the swing of things.. the way it was at the beginning of my web development days when i couldn't get enough of this stuff. where did that enthusiasm go? my best guess is that it took a backseat to my personal life changes that have been taking place for the past 4-5 years.


speaking of which, things with jon are still not great. we still see each other from time to time, but he's in the middle of trying to figure out what he wants and if he can be what i need him to be if we are in a relationship together. i'm starting to believe that it's just not going to happen... so the past month or two have been spent feeling less and less optimistic about 'jdi' working out. i never really imagined it would come to this, and to some extent i still have a hard time believing that we may not end up together. my current philosophy is to take things as they come, and to just be present for whatever is happening. i've been making choices that feel right for me at any given moment, so hopefully i can continue to listen to my gut and trust that my instincts won't lead me down the wrong path.


life is difficult... and things change all the time..... so the only constant is change, and the only way to have a life is to go out there and live it.

May 06, 2003

Weekend Fun

i cleaned gutters, and bagged pine straw, and cleaned out my laundry room, went shopping, cleaned kitchen and did laundry...i stayed busy this past weekend.

i've been going to the doctor a lot lately.... seems i have a kidney stone, and i've had all sorts of issues related to and not-related to that. i believe it's all stress. today i went to the doctor and they found blood in my urine, so they ordered up an ivp be done of my kidney so they can find the stone and see how big it is. fun, fun. now i'm taking an antibiotic and walking around with a bottle of percocet just in case i have another attack of pain from the stone moving. and boy is there pain... it's worse than childbirth.

work is okay.. summer hours are about to begin, and this year we are rotating every other friday off, so i'll have five three-day weekends this summer. that starts the week of may 19.

lucky me, i'm going to miami this weekend for some much-needed relaxation. that also means that i'll have a four-day week this week since i'm taking friday off, and a four-day week next week since i'm taking monday off. so essentially, my four-day weeks for the summer have begun.. and they don't end til august 1.

:)

.....

pizza tonight for dinner. i started my period and just feel fat and lazy tonight. i also got my hair colored today- a darker brown that's close to my natural color... except that it ended up a ton darker than i had anticipated.

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