December 2004 Archives

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December 30, 2004

Why I Love Him

Because he didn't wake up this morning as I was holding my Sharp Zaurus to his face so I could record him snoring. Dude, I have proof now!

December 29, 2004

Resolutions for 2005

In no particular order, here is what I'm setting out to do in 2005:

1. Love my husband more and more.
2. Lose 30 pounds.
3. Get fit while losing 30 pounds by strength training and working out.
4. Paint several walls in our house.
5. Work on bettering the relationship I have with my daughter.
6. Travel more.
7. Work on my PHP programming skills.

December 25, 2004

Merry Christmas!

We've had a busy holiday so far, and tonight - well, tomorrow morning - we're heading to Syracuse for a week.

In the meantime, my favorite cat in the whole wide world wanted to send out a special holiday greeting while she still had the chance. Here ya go, Raz.

December 22, 2004

Frustrated

Because my brain won't stop chattering. Stupid stress!

December 19, 2004

Why I Love Him

Because he agreed to go Christmas shopping with me and made the whole experience THAT MUCH BETTER. His energy towards the holidays this year has made this a more positive and warm environment, and I look so forward to snuggling with him on Christmas eve.

December 17, 2004

Twenty-One

Today is my son's 21st birthday. It's unbelievable to me that he's that old. The day he was born is still so fresh in my mind. I'm so connected to those memories because his birth changed my life forever. He is the child who made me a parent.

I was 15 when I became pregnant (and 16 when I delivered). It was my junior year in high school, and everyone had known for several months that I had a decision to make regarding whether to keep the baby or give it up for adoption. That consideration came into the picture a few months before just after I had finally told my mother that I was pregnant.

I had done a terrific job of concealing my pregnancy up until that point. I performed 200 sit ups a night, wore loose fitting clothes, and had a hearty appetite (which explained the need for loose fitting clothes). You hear and read about those girls in high school who go to the prom and have their babies in the bathroom and NO ONE EVER KNEW THEY WERE PREGNANT. And you wonder how that's possible. I'm here to tell you that it is VERY POSSIBLE. I could have been one of those girls.

Even though I was certainly gaining weight, I didn't look six months pregnant. I was wearing a size 9 jeans and had merely grown thicker through my middle. My mother never questioned me whatsoever. No one did. I took pride in my ability to mask the life growing inside of me.

Of course I knew I was pregnant, even though it hadn't been officially confirmed with a pregnancy test. Even so, I made myself question my situation. I had missed periods, but I wasn't very regular. I even had had some breakthrough bleeding a few months into the pregnancy that made me think that I was irregular. I know it sounds illogical; it probably is. But it is exactly where I was mentally. I knew I was pregnant, but I would only allow myself to consider that fact subconsciously. Consciously, I was acting as if I was a normal teenager.

Ultimately, a school official is the one who noticed, and shortly after I told my mother about it, everyone around me knew. Within a WEEK - ONE WEEK - I looked like I was six months pregnant. Those size 9 jeans were no longer part of my wardrobe. THAT is what suppressing reality from yourself can do. Had no one ever questioned me, I wonder if I would have been one of those girls having her baby in the bathroom stall. IN THE BATHROOM STALL. CAN YOU IMAGINE?

But it didn't work out that way, and I'm glad it didn't. Travis being born brought a lot of laughter and love into my life, and we ultimately grew up together since I was just a child when he was born. I miss him running around in my house and showing such enthusiasm for life. I miss his sweetness and open heart. I wish sometimes I could go back and say or do a few things differently that would help guide him in the right direction. As a parent, I expect I'll always wonder if I did ok by him. I did the best I could, and so did he.

But I'm glad he's grown and is living life on his own, on his own terms. He likes to venture a bit off the beaten path, just like I do. Though I wish he were doing more beneficial things with his life than random jobs here and there and hanging out with his friends drinking and doing god knows what (well, I know what, but this is where the ignoring reality stuff comes in handy), I'm glad he's healthy and happy. And relatively safe (as much as any 21-year-old can be).

Happy Birthday, Travis. I love you.

December 16, 2004

Old Ben Lucas

Because of my lack of sleep Tuesday night, and because of my ongoing battle with the mucous (speaking of mucous, everytime I type that word - EVERYTIME - I have to look it up to make sure I spelled it right), I took the afternoon off to nap and relax and feel better.

So what did I do? I came home and sorted through stacks of papers, organized bills and important papers and dusted! The dust bunnies have been removed!

I did actually get some sleep, however. I fell unconscious around 9 p.m. and only woke up briefly when Jon came to bed. I slept soundly until 6:30 or so. There's something really crappy about the morning alarm clock going off. But I got up, took a hot shower (it really helps clear the sinuses) and got ready. I was at work by 7:45 after taking Casey to school, sausage and egg biscuit in hand (I never eat the biscuit part, just the sausage and egg part).

The goal today is to stay at work until 5 p.m., because I would so rather be at home doing my own thing. But it is also very slack at work these days, so I have time to putz around all I want. And it's much easier to track how much water I'm drinking while here.

Gotta love the holidays for some reason.

December 15, 2004

What else is there to do at 4:30 in the morning?

But take a picture!

In the foreground is my iBook G4 (the diBook). In the background is a portion of my Christmas tree.

What do you think of my holiday photo?

Frustrated

Because at 2:30 a.m. the phone rang and woke me up out of a good night's sleep. And here I sit in the living room at 3:57 a.m. STILL UNABLE TO SLEEP. My stupid brain needs to SHUT UP.

December 11, 2004

Why I Love Him

Because today on our lunch date he didn't make fun of me when I walked out of the Mexican restaurant with salsa all over the front of my shirt. Well, actually, he did. But he did it in that loving J way!

December 10, 2004

Frustrated

Because even though I've lost roughly 30 pounds this year, I still look and feel very fat. Which means that I had completely LOST CONTROL prior to dieting. What the hell. The thing that gets me now is that I WORK OUT. I walk, I do aerobics, I go to Curves three times a week. I DRINK WATER. Yet I still have a belly, I still feel like a blob.

I will be in better shape. I'm tired of being frustrated.

Gut Feeling

There are times when my body speaks to me and alerts me that something is amiss and things aren't right. It's a feeling a get, sometimes a rather intense feeling, and I start to immediately pay attention and listen to what it's saying.

As of late, my body has been telling me to STOP SPENDING. Everytime I think of what I have left to do, my stomach turns and I realize why. I only have a few more gifts to buy, so I need to get those done and put the wallet away for a few months. It'll take me a couple of months to pay off holiday debt, and I don't want it to take even longer.

A couple of weeks ago, Jon and I bought ourselves Sharp Zaurus "Personal Mobile Tools". Essentially, it's a big Linux-embedded PDA, but the fucker is big enough that it has to be called a TOOL. Gotta love that geek factor. It measures a little over 6x3 inches and has wireless connectivity to the net and slots for Compact Flash or Secure Digital card expandability. That was a selling feature, as was the price at the time. Sharp has discontinued selling the model in the U.S., so this is the end of the line. It's ok, though. We love the open source features of this thing and plan to be using them for years to come.

While that is the bulk of our Christmas to each other, that is one big chunk of the holiday spending right there.

But as things go, I found out yesterday that I need four new tires for my car. Not a big surprise, mind you, but the timing is horrible. Whatever, I have to get the tires. So there's another chunk of money.

And then there was the bill for the anesthesiologist from my surgery back in July.

The other chunks (LOTS OF CHUNKS!) belongs to my kids and both of our families.

SAVE MODE: ENABLED (ok, soon)

I hate it when I start to feel uncomfortable, but at least I'm smart enough now to know that it simply means it's time to STOP.

December 08, 2004

Armed

On my desk sit three 24 oz. bottles of water. My mission today is to drink all three, preferably by 3 p.m. so that I don't have to go to the bathroom during aerobics at 5:15.

I have a dull headache, and I think it's from the congestion in my head and chest which, even though it's very slight, has been lingering for weeks now. It sometimes makes me drag, and then there are other times that I have this coughing fit go on where there's nothing there but my throat is dry and the coughing starts to move around the junk in my chest. It's really gross, and I'm sick of it.

I'm also a little frustrated with myself. Last week, I started off the week by being strict with my food intake, my water intake and my exercise regimen. By Wednesday I could see a measurable difference on the scales, and by Friday I felt awesome. I knew that I'd be more relaxed about things during the weekend, so I wasn't too worried about it, figuring that I could go back to being strict on Monday.

Monday went well, except for the tortilla chips. I had maybe a small bag's worth - not TOO bad really.

Yesterday went well, too, except for the two pieces of chocolate reisen I had to have last night while watching TV. I drank plenty of water, but I still felt like I wasn't getting enough. There just comes a point during the evening where I don't feel like drinking any more water because I know that it'll have me up all night peeing. Even though I stopped relatively early last night, I was still up and down several times during the night.

The frustration comes from how I've been feeling generally. My body seems to be retaining water the past few days. My energy level has been low. I've worked out once - had to miss aerobics on Monday because of Casey's basketball game - and I plan on working out today. I'm just trying to get myself to feeling back on track. So far today I feel like blehhhh.

So today I plan on loading up on water. And perhaps walking around campus. And doing my aerobics. And not having chocolate tonight.

One. Day. At. A. Time. I must not let the bleh feeling win. I am armed and ready.

December 06, 2004

Frustrated

Because I waited way too long to make my annual OB/GYN appointment, and now the first available date is January 12 of next year, which means A NEW DEDUCTIBLE HAS TO BE MET! !&^*%@!

I AM SUCH A SLACKER!

Why I Love Him

Because he made reservations for us at a local Thai/Japanese restaurant on Saturday night. We had a date!

What Do I Need?

It's a cloudy, drizzly Monday morning. The cantaloupe container I brought to work spilled open in the bag it was in. Now my banana is sticky on the outside from cantaloupe juice, as are my string cheese and roast beef. Gotta love sticky packaging.

Today is one of those days where I find that I'm more introspective than usual. There's a normal ebb and flow in relationships, and like many others, I've figured out that I like it better when it flows. When things are ebbing, I feel like a completely different person, unable to get my bearings quickly enough before I feel the effects of the change.

So the questions I'm pondering today are What do I need? What is it that goes missing when Jon withdraws and focuses his energy elsewhere? Why is it that I feel it so deeply and take it like a personal attack? I logically know its nothing of the sort.

I'd probably feel better if the Christmas tree were up. I may put it up tonight so I can be ready for decorating it with Casey tomorrow night.

Casey has her first home basketball game this afternoon, and I'm looking forward to seeing her play. I remember well when I played and was nervous about every minute I was on the court. I don't miss those days, but I do miss how good it felt to do something positive with my time with a group of girls. I hope she gets a lot of the same out of it.

I drank wine last night. I feel a little heavyish today, and I keep staring at my two empty water bottles hoping they will magically replenish their supply. They haven't, so I must take care of that at once.

I need sunshine. I need strength.

I need flow.

December 03, 2004

Absolut JDI

This is what I do at work when I should be doing something else.

Other Stuff

What am I doing?

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