January 2005 Archives

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January 28, 2005

Frustrated

Because the sugar wafers were good to me... so good to me in fact that I invited them to stick around for awhile... on my HIPS.

January 26, 2005

Why I Love Him

Because last night when he came home after working all day, attending a meeting that lasted a couple of hours, and after changing out of his work clothes, he volunteered to go to the store for me because I was having a craving for sugar wafers. Now that's love!

January 22, 2005

The New Baby

One of our new Apple Mac minis has arrived. Last night we opened the box, plugged everything up and booted the system to make sure everything was working properly before we shut it down, opened the case and upgraded the memory to 1 gb. We figured with the super drive installed that it would be important to have plenty of RAM so this baby could serve as a media station. It's a gorgeous little machine, and I even worked with Jon on giving it a name that we could both live with.

It fits nicely beside the monitor on our computer desk:

Hopefully soon I'll gain some experience editing video and making DVDs. Of course, there's also Garage Band 2 to try out, so I guess I'll be pulling out the keyboard and making some music.

Apple just makes life a little brighter sometimes.

1, 2, ahhhhh . . . freak out!

and that's what i did last night. i was driving home from durham after dropping casey off at my mother's house for the weekend... driving towards home after a long evening of taking care of miscellaneous chores...driving back alone... finally alone. and then it happened.

i screamed. i cried. i shook my fists at the sky. i know that sounds weird, but i actually shook my fists. i talked out loud to the universe about how shitty everything in my life seems lately. i talked about jonathan and his not knowing what the hell he wants from me or with me these days. i talked about my ungrateful, selfish and bitchy teenage daughter who has no idea how fucking miserable i feel when i'm around her lately. i talked about how i don't have any close girlfriends to share this experience with because on some fundamental levels i just don't connect with the girls at work who i'm closest to on a daily basis.

i screamed that i'm just sick of it all. i screamed that it wasn't fucking fair to have so much crap to deal with at once, that i was tired of it and didn't want to do it anymore... that i needed a fucking break from everything and everyone. with pay.

i screamed that i had lost my way, that i wasn't connected, wasn't expressing myself like i once did. i screamed that i was fucking brilliant in my own way and that i missed knowing that and feeling that. what the hell have i let myself become, i wondered.

i sobbed. i talked. i whined.

it felt good to let it out. i felt like i was bursting at the seams. it was a good, therapeutic cry that had been building up for months. jonathan called me about ten minutes into my core dump. i couldn't stop myself from crying and i didn't really feel like talking about it with him at that point. so i told him i would be home shortly and i let myself enjoy the last ten minutes of my drive just finishing up the remnants of my personal rant.

so that, in a nutshell, is how i'm doing.

how are you?

January 20, 2005

The Good and The Bad

Yesterday, Raleigh experienced a freak snow storm and it resulted in our state's governor declaring Wake County under a state of emergency. No joke. When it snows in North Carolina, everything stops.

I was at lunch yesterday with Jon when the snow started falling. Doing what I do best, I marked up my car with the appropriate jdi wording:


There you have it. Proof of me being a geeky idiot in the snow.

We followed lunch by a quick trip to Wal-Mart. When we were putting our bags into the car, Jon made the comment that he thought he was going to head home because the roads looked bad. So he exited left, I exited right. Minutes later, he called to tell me he had been in an accident in the Miata. It slid through an intersection and into another car, and immediately afterward another car slid into him. No airbags were deployed and no one was injured, but Jon's car has been declared a total loss by the insurance company.

Thankfully, we have the truck as a great backup vehicle in the event something like this should happen. It really sucks that the Miata is no longer, but I expect we'll get something very similar to replace it soon enough. Jon spent the evening perusing through cars online while trying to make himself feel better.

More snow tonight, they say! I can only imagine what's in store. All I can say is that my Mac Mini better be delivered before they close down roads and stop all modes of transportation. I don't mind being stuck at home as long as I have new Apple products keeping me warm.

January 19, 2005

Heady for the Headless

I feel like a kid at Christmas . . . the Mac Mini I ordered has shipped! From China! It's always fun to track the package with Fed Ex's tracking system - it feeds my OCD tendencies and shows me how much longer I have until I get my goods. Let's hear it for Apple product consumerism! Let's also hear it for a brief lift of the negative energy blanket that I've had wrapped around me lately. Woohoo!

January 14, 2005

Digital Fun

Diane in the office, composite:


January 13, 2005

Health Indicators

I went for my annual checkup yesterday, and I found out that since my last visit there in April 2003 (I hate annual appointments) I have gained 10 pounds. They drew some blood and are getting thyroid tests and cholesterol tests run and will give me the results at the same time I hear about my pap smear. Getting old is not fun. I'm 37 creeping up on 40, and I feel like I'm doing all I can to save myself from an early demise. It doesn't help that my outlook is a bit tainted lately.

I was exhausted yesterday after sleeping poorly the first two nights of this week, but I managed to finish the day at work and went straight home, skipping aerobics (which resulted in a nagging feeling about not exercising). I was in bed by 7, and fell asleep shortly after 8 and slept for a little over 10 hours. I feel refreshed, though there is a big drain my energy because of all the stress occuring right now. My chest feels heavy today. For some reason I decided not to stop and grab anything for breakfast, opting rather to eat the oatmeal I have in my desk drawer. But now I realize that also resulted in me failing to get my morning Diet Coke, which has left me feeling hungover from the sleep. I guess it's not a bad idea to lay off the caffeine when I can.

My plan is to walk today while I'm at work and then go to Curves afterwards. But somewhere in there I'm taking my daughter to the therapist for her first appointment. Busy, busy, busy. Hopefully the workouts will elevate my mood and balance out some of the stress.

I'm planning on going out of town this weekend to visit Jon's sister who will be in the state on business. I am looking forward to going, but I'm not sure how much fun I'm going to be. Believe me, I'm going to try really hard to relax. We're talking about getting our nails done, and personally I think I want a pedicure more than anything.

One long day at a time for now, and maybe if I take better care of myself my circadian rhythms will return to normal and the weird energies will stop.

January 11, 2005

Passing Energies

I've had weird energy lately. All these things are happening in my life, seemingly all at once and immediate. I feel this terrific stress in my chest, and on the other hand i feel an excited anticipation.

1. There are issues going on with my daughter that I'm too private to bring up on this website, but they are big and scary and my heart aches. I'm working on solutions and trying to figure out some coping mechanisms in the meantime. I'm guardedly optimistic (but scared shitless!).

2. Jon and I ordered two of the JUST ANNOUNCED TODAY (!!) macminis. We figured one of these would make a perfect desktop computer for Casey and provide us with a level of protection we prefer to have on our home network, and the second one we would be ours to whore around with. My god, we're such whores when it comes to tech gear. SUCH WHORES! All our base are belong to Apple!

3. I have been feeling highly inadequate lately in all aspects of my life except for work. Which is odd because usually it's the other way around. Personal relationships are hard work. And dammit, I have fat thighs and I have to do an extraordinary amount of work to get them trimmed down, least of which is close my fucking mouth at the table. But I've regularly exercising for about a year now, and I still notice that when I'm slack about it, the thighs from hell start reappearing.

4. There is also this weird prickly energy thing going on with Jon. He's been so wonderful to me and with me and for me lately that I know that the prickly energy is me and my stress and that I'm the one wreaking havoc on the relationship lately. I love him so much that I sometimes just look over at the outline of his face when we're lying in the bed with the lights out and I think to myself, "I want to love him MORE." That really is a good thing. Jon is such a different person than most people I know, but deep down he's a good guy with such a big heart. And I'm glad I know that about him.

......

I am feeling some guilt about #2. Okay, I'm feeling more than some guilt about #2, but I'm learning to be okay with it. A little whoring isn't awful, right?

Is it January 22nd yet?

January 10, 2005

Frustrated

I'm feeling particularly bitchy and irritable tonight. I've spent the better part of a week trying to get Network Solutions to allow me to transfer the registration of redefining.org to a different registrar. Why? Because they are BASTARDS!

I had to call them tonight to ask why they wouldn't allow me to transfer even though I had the authorization code to do so. I ended up finding out it was because "domain protect" was on, even though I searched around in their account manager and couldn't figure out a way to TURN IT OFF.

BASTARDS!

I'm so angry right now. I had to tell the customer service representative on the phone that I couldn't afford to pay their rate to keep my domain registered with them, and it was only after I said no THREE TIMES that he finally offered me the $15 price I wanted in the first place.

BASTARDS!

Now I'm mad at myself for renewing, even though I'm glad to be done with it for now. I only renewed for one year this time, though, and I'm going to move to a different registrar for sure next time around!

BASTARDS!

Don't ever give your business to bastards. Do what I say and not what I do!

Finally Found The Time

I spent a couple of hours last night working on adding an "about" page to this website so that people coming here would know where they were, what this site is about and where I've been before. It sort of makes a lot of sense to include background info for readers, otherwise you don't know who the players are. Check it out! I AM A PLAYER!

Heh.

January 06, 2005

Googling For Help

I'd like to consider myself a modern parent, in touch with technology and the trends among the youth of today. I'd like to think that I know enough to have my 14-year-old daughter talk to me and bond with me in a good mother-daughter sort of way. I don't.

It seems communication has broken down between us and her actions lately have been anything but encouraging. I'm officially distraught, and I've been talking to everyone and doing my own bit of research to help me help her help herself. It's perplexing.

Last night I bought a new book, Laying Down the Law. I'm slowly reading through it. I spent this morning looking for answers on Google, typing in combinations that include the words 'teenager' and 'troubled' and 'help' and 'treatment' and 'parenting'. I made a call to the referral line for the behavioral health division of our insurance provider and got a list of therapists specializing in adolescents.

I'm pushing forward with this and fighting for my daughter's future. It's a damning chore, but this is what parents do.. especially modern mothers like me.

January 05, 2005

Frustrated

Because I have a popcorn shell stuck on the back of my tongue and I CAN'T GET THE DAMNED THING TO MOVE no matter what I try! It's been there for two days now!

---

P.S. With his DeWalt snake light aimed at the back of my throat, Jon determined that there is a bump and that I should stop aggravating it by sticking my finger into the back of my mouth. Okay, I can do that, but I will be keeping a close eye on it.

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