Today is my son's 21st birthday. It's unbelievable to me that he's that old. The day he was born is still so fresh in my mind. I'm so connected to those memories because his birth changed my life forever. He is the child who made me a parent.
I was 15 when I became pregnant (and 16 when I delivered). It was my junior year in high school, and everyone had known for several months that I had a decision to make regarding whether to keep the baby or give it up for adoption. That consideration came into the picture a few months before just after I had finally told my mother that I was pregnant.
I had done a terrific job of concealing my pregnancy up until that point. I performed 200 sit ups a night, wore loose fitting clothes, and had a hearty appetite (which explained the need for loose fitting clothes). You hear and read about those girls in high school who go to the prom and have their babies in the bathroom and NO ONE EVER KNEW THEY WERE PREGNANT. And you wonder how that's possible. I'm here to tell you that it is VERY POSSIBLE. I could have been one of those girls.
Even though I was certainly gaining weight, I didn't look six months pregnant. I was wearing a size 9 jeans and had merely grown thicker through my middle. My mother never questioned me whatsoever. No one did. I took pride in my ability to mask the life growing inside of me.
Of course I knew I was pregnant, even though it hadn't been officially confirmed with a pregnancy test. Even so, I made myself question my situation. I had missed periods, but I wasn't very regular. I even had had some breakthrough bleeding a few months into the pregnancy that made me think that I was irregular. I know it sounds illogical; it probably is. But it is exactly where I was mentally. I knew I was pregnant, but I would only allow myself to consider that fact subconsciously. Consciously, I was acting as if I was a normal teenager.
Ultimately, a school official is the one who noticed, and shortly after I told my mother about it, everyone around me knew. Within a WEEK - ONE WEEK - I looked like I was six months pregnant. Those size 9 jeans were no longer part of my wardrobe. THAT is what suppressing reality from yourself can do. Had no one ever questioned me, I wonder if I would have been one of those girls having her baby in the bathroom stall. IN THE BATHROOM STALL. CAN YOU IMAGINE?
But it didn't work out that way, and I'm glad it didn't. Travis being born brought a lot of laughter and love into my life, and we ultimately grew up together since I was just a child when he was born. I miss him running around in my house and showing such enthusiasm for life. I miss his sweetness and open heart. I wish sometimes I could go back and say or do a few things differently that would help guide him in the right direction. As a parent, I expect I'll always wonder if I did ok by him. I did the best I could, and so did he.
But I'm glad he's grown and is living life on his own, on his own terms. He likes to venture a bit off the beaten path, just like I do. Though I wish he were doing more beneficial things with his life than random jobs here and there and hanging out with his friends drinking and doing god knows what (well, I know what, but this is where the ignoring reality stuff comes in handy), I'm glad he's healthy and happy. And relatively safe (as much as any 21-year-old can be).
Happy Birthday, Travis. I love you.
