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April 10, 2008

Grammar queen, back in action

I read the following sentence and immediately my eyes bulged and my head exploded. From CNN:

NARITA, Japan (AP) -- The Dalai Lama said he supports China's hosting of the Summer Olympics on Thursday, but insisted that nobody had the right to tell protesters demanding freedom for Tibet "to shut up."

Unless I'm missing a vital piece of information, I don't think the Summer Olympics are being held on Thursday. Why do trivial mistakes in syntax and sentence formation drive me nuts?

April 09, 2008

Jon's new scooter

scooter.jpg

It's a Suzuki Burgman 400 and gets 55-65 mpg. He's loving it! His ultimate plan is to sell the Miata and get a small truck. He knows he needs a vehicle a bit more practical than the Miata, but he also wanted to have something fun and good on gas. This was the answer.


June 26, 2007

The power of ... luck?

I saw an episode of 20/20 recently which focused on luck and whether it was a real thing. Part of the interview focused on the characteristics of people considered lucky because of events that had unfolded in their lives. In general, they said statistics show that people who believe they are lucky actually are luckier than most. It's just a matter of positive thinking, they said. It helps you create opportunities for yourself and can even help you find or discover money.

They showed a tape where money had been left lying in a parking lot, and how it was the people who consider themselves lucky and who are open to possibilities (positive thinking!) who saw the money lying there and got it.

I know, right? It's a pretty awesome thing. By using my brain, I can score some cold, hard cash.

So I decided I'd start some positive thinking and create some monetary opportunities for myself. I'm amazed to say that the system works! In the three weeks since I've seen the episode, I've found 5 cents in pennies on the ground in random parking lots. FIVE CENTS. in pennies. on the ground.

Three of them were on heads.

Perhaps I'm not thinking hard enough. Or being open enough. In fact, in regard to positive thinking, my results show that I may be downright uptight and not open to anything. However, positive thinking leads me to believe that I should keep trying. Because I know I'm a lucky person.

May 24, 2007

Freak nasty

I saw this message from TwitLit on Twitter today and instantly had a thought about it. But the book the post links to turned out to be something completely different than what I was thinking it may be.

Welcome to the gutter with your host Diane!

May 17, 2007

The me that you know, she had some second thoughts

I have an unusual habit. I read mommy blogs quite a bit, yet the only thing I have in common with most of the women who write these blogs is that we're all mothers. My children are mostly grown. Theirs are mostly under the age of 5. My son will be 24 and my daughter will be 17 this year - memories of breastfeeding and diapers faded from view a long time ago. I guess I admire who these women are. Perhaps it isn't so weird for me to observe their shared lives, as they now are me, once.

These days I find myself looking forward to the next phase of my life. I want some of what I gave up in my 20s. I missed that decade of freedom that is a rite of passage for most. I traded it for motherhood and getting married to a man who wasn't meant to be my forever. Now that I've found a relationship that works for me and a man who nurtures who I am, I'm ready to become more of the women I envision myself to be. This is an awesome gift.

I am becoming. My life is being redefined every minute that I move towards the person who I've often thought about... that person who gave up a scholarship to college and instead opted for marriage and a family... that person who followed her dreams of becoming a writer... that woman who found a stronger calling with technology and the internet... that person who still wonders a lot about what tomorrow holds for her and what she'll become.

In September, I turn 40. This fall, I am going back to school because I want to experience more of what this world has to offer me. I will take more risks and push myself to grow. I will listen and trust my intuition. I will remember that I am a creator and that anything is possible for my life and for me.

Edge pieces, completed. Now it's time to work on the middle of the puzzle.

October 16, 2006

On Blogging

So, my daughter randomly asked me a couple of weeks ago, "Why do people keep a journal on their website? Like, why do YOU do that?" And I responded with, "Because I can," because that's just the type of thing I like to say to my child. I later explained to her that it's just a different medium for writing. It's a book, published on the web for the world to see. I also explained that my blog is less of a journal these days and more of a random compilation of crap in my brain that needs to be purged.

However, since that conversation, I've really wondered what has become of my blog and why I walked away from doing the self-expression thing on the web. For me, I think this blog - if that's what you want to call it - serves the purpose of being a sounding board for me. Ever since I've had a website, I've had a sounding board. It's just that the posts during the demise of my first marriage and my angst with life were far more interesting than the posts these days that really say a whole lot of nothing. And that's fine with me. I tend not to force myself to type words if I don't feel the urge.

So that's my take on blogging. I thought you'd want to know.

May 01, 2006

New category? (Newtegory)

I've been debating creating a new category called Words That Jon Makes Up because inevitably when we're talking about something, Jon will take two words from the conversation and combine them to form a new word. Often the new word doesn't make a lot of sense. I told him if he kept it up I'd have to blog about it, so here I am blogging about it. Yay for mental retardation!

Tonight's words:

  • Blingatch - a watch with bling
  • Peachoake - peanut butter chocolate cake

And while I'm at it, I should take a moment and wish Jon a happy birthday! (Hapday!)

March 03, 2006

Wearing the Pants

This week I have managed to pull jeans out of the dirty clothes basket on three separate occasions to wear to work. I am not quite sure how it happened that all three pair of jeans that I wear (I own many more in many different sizes) ended up dirty, but they did. Laundry awaits my attention, and soon I'll have all clean and crisp jeans to wear to work.

Lately, I've been dressing up in slacks more often than not because I've been managing a project that requires a lot of interaction with faculty and staff. It feels good to dress up for work again; I realize now that I was falling deep into a slump of "who cares what I wear to work because I just sit at a computer all day anyway." But this week was different - I only had a training class on Monday and the rest of the week has been spent at my desk doing some catch up work. Oh yeah, and some surfing. And some mudding. And general slacking off. It's been great!

I couldn't sleep last night, so I watched TV in the living room for a little while. When I looked up and saw the time, I realized something was wrong with me because it was 3:30 a.m. and I wasn't the least bit tired. So much for drinking two tall glasses of iced tea with dinner. That'll teach me! It was sometime after 4 when I finally managed to fall asleep and around 6:30 when I got out of bed to shower. I'm now comtemplating taking a 1/2 day of vacation, though it may be just as good to sit here in my numb-like state, contemplating the cleanliness of my jeans and writing blog entries about it.

January 26, 2006

Wanna Know What Hell Is?

Hell is wearing a pair of slacks that have a faulty zipper. Hell is going into the bathroom and trying to unzip said pants and not being able to. Hell is jumping around in the bathroom, struggling with the faulty zipper and trying not to alert coworkers of faulty zipper. Hell is being the instructor of a training class on the very same day when you're wearing a pair of pants with a faulty zipper - not to mention that you also have to urinate.

Damn you, faulty zipper gods!

September 28, 2005

Cooling

It was cool when I stepped outside this morning. I thought twice about going back inside to change from flipflops closed-toe shoes and putting on a light jacket. Then I remembered that in a couple of hours it would be hot out and I'd regret it.

Currently, I am at work and can't complain about the temperature in the office. I halfway expected my office partner to have the heat on. We're opposites when it comes to our body temperatures, so in the winter I have to fight the waves of heat as I open the door that she has so carefully shut so as to warm up the space quickly. So far so good.

I'm ready for fall. Transitional weather brings change, and change is good!

August 10, 2005

What's Grosser Than Gross?

Hearing about how my boss's sweat gland on the left side of his neck is overacting because of the surgery he had last week to remove a benign mass from behind his ear. As you sit there and talk to him, you notice his collar becoming wet and you think to yourself that it really can't get much grosser than that.

Then he tells you about how when he eats the sweat drips into his food and he's at a loss to control it.

Why must he share these things with his staff?

August 03, 2005

Blogging Suckage

I suck at blogging during those times when I don't feel like posting or figure that I have nothing interesting to say. There isn't much going on in my life, but there are a few notables:

  • Bought a new king-sized bed. Have slept in it one night. I like the space, but I didn't sleep well due to a sore muscle in my neck ache that I acquired prior to getting the bed. I expect to enjoy it more in the coming months/years/etc.
  • We bought a treadmill. Jon is walking. Casey is walking. I'm still working out at Curves and haven't walked yet, but I expect to. It's good having an option for exercise indoors in the hot summer months.
  • My pants are fitting better these days. I have increased fiber intake and more physical output to thank for this!
  • Being a parent of a teenager isn't easy. Especially a grounded teenager.
  • I have upcoming Tori Amos concerts to attend! TWO of them! One on August 13 in Cary, NC and the other on August 19 in Holmdel, NJ. Jackie and Todd will be joining me for the NJ show. Yay!

I should be returning to my work now. Lots of fun stuff going on now with students returning in a couple of weeks. Peace out.

April 19, 2005

"We've got a plan!"

Kristi and Kenny and I are on the phone as we speak (Kenny just left the office), and they are coming to visit in May. Yay! I love visiting with family, especially those guys!

This constitutes a blog entry. I really will get back into this. Much to do regarding web and I have to stop being slack.

Love,
di

p.s. Hi Kristi and Kenny!

March 29, 2005

Spring Break, 2005 Style

I'm too tired to capitalize and punctuate correctly, but here's a brief recap of the last week and a few days of my life:

  • sunday, march 20 - went to king's dominion with casey and alison. had a great time. became greatly aware of how much energy 14-year-olds have in comparison to me. again decide that riding rollercoasters is great fun and i should do more of it.
  • monday, march 21 - met my mother and stepfather at a local restaurant to drop casey off with them for the week. jon also met us there. we enjoyed a nice dinner and then went home to a quiet, empty house and promptly relaxed because there was no energetic 14-year-old there to drive us nuts. yay us!
  • tuesday, march 22 - jon and i played hooky from work. we both called in sick and enjoyed our day off together, doing much of nothing. totally relaxing, totally cool. we should do this more often.
  • wednesday, march 23 - jon and i returned to work, but we met later at outback steakhouse to enjoy dinner with our friend pete before returning home for jon's gaming night. i spent a quiet evening in the bedroom doing much of nothing and enjoying it. oh how i love breaks from life.
  • thursday, march 24 - i picked up casey after work from my parent's house and returned home. i feel exhausted, though there's really no reason for it.
  • friday, march 25 - casey gets picked up by her father for their weekend together. i spend the day doing laundry and preparing for our weekend jaunt to the beach, where i am slated to work for my dad at the big oak. we go out to dinner, return home to watch This Is Spinal Tap (it was bad movie night), and go to bed by 11:30 or so.
  • saturday, march 26 - we get up at 6:30 a.m., shower and dress and leave for the beach by 7:45. we get there at 10:55, just in time for me to work at 11. i work until 3, and then return at 5 and work until 8. i return to dad's house, shower and crash hard.
  • sunday, march 27 - we get up by 8 or so, shower and prepare to go to breakfast with my father and stepmother. pancakes! i love pancakes and enjoy them for breakfast. i work from 11-3, and then jon and i drive home. we spend the rest of the evening relaxing.
  • monday, march 28 - i return to work, but spend most of the day reading blogs and surfing the net. casey gets dropped off at my work and spends the afternoon at work with me. we leave near 5 p.m., head to the bank and to get gas and then meet jon at the mexican restaurant for dinner. on the way home, i have plans to stop by the grocery store to get some milk and bread, but i notice that i have one headlight out. so i return home to fix it, only to realize i don't have the correct bulb. so jon leaves with me, we go to pep boys to get a replacement bulb and some parts he needs to wire up his keyless entry for his car. i fix the headlight easily, and we return home without going by the grocery store because i have to pee REALLY bad and i don't feel like hovering in a public bathroom. i spend the night doing our taxes and seeing how we'd fare if we filed married filing separately. i realize we owe $51 less if we file jointly. we only end up owing $125 overall on our taxes. we're pleased, as we were thinking it would be more.
  • tuesday, march 29 - here i am. i find myself thinking blogs are passé and that episodes would be so much cooler in the way of having a website. i miss the old days of the internet when everything was original. i decide that it's time to stop doing this entry and go put on my makeup in the bathroom here at work.

March 11, 2005

Napoles!

I discovered soon after the post yesterday that they are in fact cactus leaves and are called napoles. Jon and I have discussed it and we've decided we're going to try and make something with napoles soon. It should prove to be interesting.

I love it when I learn something new.

March 10, 2005

What are these things anyway?

The other day Jon and I stopped in the grocery store to pick up a few items that we needed. I was searching for romaine lettuce in the produce area when Jon called out to me from a nearby produce stand.

"You've got to come see this," he said. I joined him in front of a display of what appeared to me to be cactus leaves.

"What are those?" I asked.

"I don't know," he replied. "I was hoping you would know because I don't see any sign that tells me what they could be."

They were sitting right next to the baby pineapples, so I suggested that maybe they were some sort of leaf relating to the pineapples. Jon told me that couldn't be right. So, smart me, I picked one of the cactus leaf looking things up to get a feel for it and to smell it, and then found a nearby produce department worker who also couldn't tell me what it was. Before I knew it, one of the prickly bits was stuck in my finger and I started crying out in pain. "This damn thing attacked me!" I said. Jon became amused, and so did a lady standing nearby. IT WASN'T FUNNY! All I could think was WHAT IS THIS DAMN THING AND WHY IS IT ATTACKING ME?

So imagine my amusement today when I picked up a copy of The Independent Weekly and inside the front cover was a big picture of the cactus-leaf-looking-things. AHA! I thought to myself. Now the mystery will be solved. On top of the photo was the page number of the related article, so I turned to the article and searched for the answer. THEY DIDN'T MENTION THE CACTUS LEAF LOOKING THINGS AT ALL!

So I took a picture in the hope that someone out there on this great world wide web could tell little ol' ignorant me (who never claimed to know much of anything anyway) what the hell these are:

My guess now, given that they were tied to a story about Latino restaurants, is that they are used in Latino cooking somehow. I'm really interested in knowing what they are, what types of dishes they are part of and how the hell you handle them without injuring yourself.

March 08, 2005

Big Ol' Fat Rain

This morning I was sitting at work, diligently working away (ha!) and listening to my iPod when I realized that it was raining hard outside and the wind was howling. So I took off the headphones, stood at the window and just stared in amazement as the trees across the field behind our building were being whipped around and the rain was blowing sideways. And then it began to hail. Hail! It's the closest we've gotten to icy precip all winter, it seems. Soon after, there was thunder and lightning and just about everyone in the department was moving about and commenting on the weather.

You know it's bad when the weather is the highlight of your day at work.

February 18, 2005

TGIF, and Here's What I'm Up To Today

I thought it would be fun to do an entire post of my day's events. This is semi-real-time blogging in effect, people! Check it out!

7:49 a.m. I arrive at work with a bagel, orange juice and a cup of ice. I need the ice for the Diet Pepsi I have open on my desk from yesterday afternoon. Office partner (OP) informs me that she has Krispy Kreme doughnuts if I want one. I definitely want one. I can hear my ass getting wider.

8:25 a.m. I realize that I don't have any photos here at work and write an entry about it in this blog. Boring!

8:47 a.m. I chat with Jon in our talk session about some monster cables or s-video cables that a coworker needs to hook up her new HDTV to DirectTV. He has agreed to swing by her place this evening after work to get it all hooked up for her. She's happy. Jon is a nice guy, I remind myself.

8:59 a.m. I go into the bathroom at work and apply makeup and brush my teeth. Bits of the herb from the light herb garlic cream cheese that I had on my bagel has ended up wedged in between my teeth. I determine that since my dentist visit on the 2nd that I'm doing a much better job with brushing during the day and with flossing in general. I don't want anymore negative comments from the hygienist about my inability to floss properly. (Bitch)

9:05 a.m. I start work on converting two forms on the web server to feed into a database instead of having results sent through email. Such fun. I love having brainless work to complete on a Friday morning. Seriously. It beats actually having to think.

9:16 a.m. I toggle over to naim (AIM) and talk to Scott. We firm up our lunch plans. I'm taking him to lunch because he had a birthday last week and was sick. We're going to Firehouse Subs in Cary. Yum!

9:35 a.m. I finish my orange juice. Not from concentrate!

9:42 a.m. Scott points me at this page. We laugh because we've always tried to be l337 like that when we type. I used to work with Scott at Interpath, back when it existed. Ahh, the good ol' days. We 0\/\/n3d that place!

9:43 a.m. Don't I have some forms I should be working on?

9:44 a.m. I walk to Johnson Hall with OP. We cut through the dorms in a vague attempt to stay warm. There's a girl sitting in the hall, in her pajamas and a coat, reading a book. We discuss outloud whether we're bothering the girl by talking. We continue to talk about the fact that we're sure we're not bothering the girl or making her think we're weird as we walk by her, talking about her. She makes a slight smile and then pretends to be very interested in her book. I feel like antagonizing her further, but we keep walking.

9:59 a.m. A coworker asks if I'd like to go to Moe's today for lunch. I inform her that I already have plans. I like Moe's, though! Welcome to Moe's!

10:05 a.m. I realize that I've done nothing but talk about food today. No wonder I'm struggling with weight loss.

10:39 a.m. Good headway on the forms. The mySQL table has been created and I'm tweaking the script that will feed into it.

11:10 a.m. Script still being tweaked. I take a break and surf around on craigslist for awhile and find this. I become amused because they should have rotated the picture or changed the title to include the words "Lots of Starch" or "I'm an idiot because I didn't rotate this picture." Even so, I contemplate a new fashion statement by wearing a white lab coat over my usual clothes.

1:06 p.m. Went to lunch with Scott and had a good time. Haven't seen him in awhile, and we talked about braces (he has them, my daughter may get them), insurance costs and consumer credit. He's doing okay for a guy who has three kids and is raising them by himself for the most part. On the way back from lunch, I received a call from the eye doctor that our contacts were in, so I stopped by there and grabbed those. Also stopped and got gas. I heard yesterday that gas prices are about to sharply increase, so I think I'll read up on that today.

1:20 p.m. I contemplate whether the refresh button in my rss reader in Firefox is making me obsessive compulsive because I click it so much or if I click it so much because I'm already obsessive compulsive.

1:35 p.m. I discuss with Scott the many different types of Girl Scout cookies that I want to buy from him (er, his daughter, technically) the next time we have lunch, which I'm hoping will be next week. This is the first time in many years that I haven't had someone at work who was selling GS Cookies for their kid. Amazing!

1:45 p.m. A coworker has requested that I create a web publishing account for her and show her the ins and outs of publishing. So I do that, chat with her a few minutes, make small talk with other coworkers and return to my desk. I realize I need to pee but I'm too lazy to get up right now and go back across the building.

1:53 p.m. I spend a few minutes trying to figure out the correct spelling of the new category I've just added called "Minutae," because I figured this entry fit nicely into that category. I typed in "define minutae" into Google and it said "did you mean define minutiae? So apparently that is how you spell it, but I think I like my version better. Minutae! Someone else has a category named this too, so what the fuck, you know? I like minutae!

2:05 p.m. I finally go pee. And I brush my teeth. And I wash my hands. Hygiene? Check!

2:26 p.m. My "easy" script from this morning appears not to be working. Heh. I suck.

2:27 p.m. SJ has a picture of a poorly drawn (but large!) penis on her page. FYI.

3:11 p.m. Stupid form!

3:43 p.m. Okay, the stupid form has stopped kicking my ass now. I won't even BEGIN to tell you how stupid my error was. Thank gosh it's Friday! Yeehaw.

4:09 p.m. Man, I'm starting to get really tired. I think I'll leave at 4:30 and go work out. Then we're going out to eat. Then we're going over to my coworker's house to hook up her new television. Then it's RELAXATION TIME! Yay.

4:26 p.m. OP is leaving and so am I. I think that's about it for awhile. Have a great weekend!

February 06, 2005

What I Did Instead of Watching The Super Bowl

January 20, 2005

The Good and The Bad

Yesterday, Raleigh experienced a freak snow storm and it resulted in our state's governor declaring Wake County under a state of emergency. No joke. When it snows in North Carolina, everything stops.

I was at lunch yesterday with Jon when the snow started falling. Doing what I do best, I marked up my car with the appropriate jdi wording:


There you have it. Proof of me being a geeky idiot in the snow.

We followed lunch by a quick trip to Wal-Mart. When we were putting our bags into the car, Jon made the comment that he thought he was going to head home because the roads looked bad. So he exited left, I exited right. Minutes later, he called to tell me he had been in an accident in the Miata. It slid through an intersection and into another car, and immediately afterward another car slid into him. No airbags were deployed and no one was injured, but Jon's car has been declared a total loss by the insurance company.

Thankfully, we have the truck as a great backup vehicle in the event something like this should happen. It really sucks that the Miata is no longer, but I expect we'll get something very similar to replace it soon enough. Jon spent the evening perusing through cars online while trying to make himself feel better.

More snow tonight, they say! I can only imagine what's in store. All I can say is that my Mac Mini better be delivered before they close down roads and stop all modes of transportation. I don't mind being stuck at home as long as I have new Apple products keeping me warm.

January 10, 2005

Finally Found The Time

I spent a couple of hours last night working on adding an "about" page to this website so that people coming here would know where they were, what this site is about and where I've been before. It sort of makes a lot of sense to include background info for readers, otherwise you don't know who the players are. Check it out! I AM A PLAYER!

Heh.

December 29, 2004

Resolutions for 2005

In no particular order, here is what I'm setting out to do in 2005:

1. Love my husband more and more.
2. Lose 30 pounds.
3. Get fit while losing 30 pounds by strength training and working out.
4. Paint several walls in our house.
5. Work on bettering the relationship I have with my daughter.
6. Travel more.
7. Work on my PHP programming skills.

December 25, 2004

Merry Christmas!

We've had a busy holiday so far, and tonight - well, tomorrow morning - we're heading to Syracuse for a week.

In the meantime, my favorite cat in the whole wide world wanted to send out a special holiday greeting while she still had the chance. Here ya go, Raz.

December 15, 2004

What else is there to do at 4:30 in the morning?

But take a picture!

In the foreground is my iBook G4 (the diBook). In the background is a portion of my Christmas tree.

What do you think of my holiday photo?

November 12, 2004

Thinking . . .

How many Friday nights do I have to sit here doing things alone before I get the hint that he's otherwise preoccupied and won't be spending any time with me AGAIN?

November 03, 2004

A Sad, Sad Day

I woke up, turned over and hit the key on my laptop that turns up the backlight on the display. I refreshed the election results page to see how close the presidential race had gotten since I went to bed. Bush had 254 to Kerry's 252 electoral votes, and three states not decided yet. I knew then that the day had already turned to shit.

I hit the alarm a minute or two later when it went off and got out of bed.

I showered alone. I wish Jon had gotten up with me this morning, because I find that the small amount of time we spend together some mornings really helps put me in a better frame of mind for the rest of my day. But he slept in, and I showered and dressed and left home early.

Outside, it was dull and overcast. And muggy. I really hate fucking muggy weather. Makes me want to move out of this stupid state (that gave its precious 15 electoral votes to Bush).

I stopped by McDonald's as usual, got my bacon, egg and cheese biscuit meal (I never eat the biscuit) with a medium Diet Coke, and I drove away. It was later that I noticed that those motherfuckers must have run out of the Monopoly game piece hash brown holders because I had a plain one. It's the only reason I get the meal, dammit! (For what it's worth, they also build their bacon, egg and cheese biscuits incorrectly. How is a carb-conscious person supposed to get all of the contents of the biscuit away from the biscuit WHEN THE CHEESE IS STUCK TO THE FUCKING BISCUIT? Do it differently, I say: first bacon, then cheese, then egg. Then the contents are stuck together and I'm not driving down the road like a maniac trying to peel cheese.) Figures.

I got to work before my office partner, so I turned on my halogen lamp and enjoyed the dim quietness of my office. Then she walked in, flipped on the flourescent lights and began talking. Shut. The. Fuck. Up. CAN'T YOU SEE I'M IN A BAD MOOD? We're good enough friends that I should have been able to say that to her, but I only managed to sit here quietly and sulk.

Yes, the world should revolve around me, dammit. Don't ask yourself stupid questions like that.

"I need a hug," I later wrote to Jon in our talk session. He told me he'd give me extra hugs at lunch. I found myself looking forward to that.

Lunchtime greatly improved my mood. We went to Baja Fresh and I loaded up on their fresh Pico de Gallo salsa that I on my Burrito Mexicano (that included steak, black beans, and hot salsa). Jon and I talked about increasing our homeowners insurance and enjoyed our meal. We then walked to Wal-Mart, where I bought multipacks of gum and chocolate candy.

mmmmmmmmmmmmm... Reisen. Reisen is love, my friends. Pure, hot passionate love that ends up in your mouth. Take that however you want. It's all good.

And then Jon hugged me before we left to return to our jobs. That changed my mood for a very short period of time.

At 2 p.m. EST, Kerry will officially concede. It's a sad, sad day for America. Or is that "Amuhrca"? It's just lovely when our President can't pronounce words correctly. Like nuclear. IT'S NUCLEAR, motherfucker. Not nucular.

I think I need another hug.

November 02, 2004

I Voted For Kerry

myvote.jpg

Too Good To Be True


It's always the small things that make life so grand.

Vote, Vote, Vote!

As if you haven't heard that at all in the past few months, today's the day. Make sure you exercise your right to voice your opinion and vote!

I did! I voted blue in a notoriously red state. It feels good anyway.

October 14, 2004

Glamour

I just scheduled an appointment to have my hair cut tomorrow. A girlfriend of mine had hers cut like this today, and I've decided that 1) my hair is long enough that I can actually have it cut to look like this, 2) it would be nice to find a style that would allow me to enjoy some of the natural curl that currently drives me nuts, and 3) Ashley Judd is just too damn perfect. If she were fat or something, I'd probably like her a lot more than I do now. Because we all know that you can walk into a salon with a picture in hand and say, "Make my hair look like this!" but it doesn't necessarily mean that you'll walk out looking like that. I'd just settle for hair that is less flat, has more style and is easy to manage.

We'll see.

October 13, 2004

Overheard

"Can you believe that instead of showing the The Bachelor on TV tonight that they are showing the presidential debate? I mean, come on! Who cares about the stupid debate?"

. . .

yes, because pseudo-reality tv is SO MUCH BETTER.

need. new. job.

October 07, 2004

A Faire Weekend

It seems that I have caught a cold that my daughter had last week, so all week I've been sniffling and sneezing and coughing and wheezing. It sucks to be plagued with an unusual amount of mucous (I had to look that word up because after typing mucus, mucuos and mucuous I realized that I had no clue and it probably would have been easier just to type "snot"...). But why am I talking about this anyway? Oh yeah, well the thing is, Jon and I are going to Maryland this weekend to attend the Maryland Renaissance Festival and I'm a bit peeved that I'm walking around with this virus in my system. I never get sick, but leave it to me to get sick the one time we decide to go out of town since this summer. Ugh.

I'm quite looking forward to the faire; it's been three years since we last went to the one in Maryland. Last time, we took his truck and stayed at a nearby KOA campground. Thing is, we didn't really have camping equipment, so we winged it and slept in the back of his truck on a makeshift bed made with a huge piece of cardboard (to cover the uneven bottom of the truck bed) and several thick quilts. Jon has a camper shell on his truck and had taken the extra time to seal it with a waterproof sealant in case it rained. And he even brought a heavy extension cord, some lights and a little fan so we could plug up to our AC outlet at the site and have electricity. It was all very contrived, but it worked out rather well, especially considering that it rained like hell the night we arrived. Boy did it rain. I remember lying in the back of his truck with a light on, both of us looking around for signs of leakage. And oh was there leakage. It made me giggle incessantly at how stupid we must have looked to the campers near us in their luxury RVs and such. But I doubt I would have remembered the trip as well had we not been camping in such a manner.

Continue reading "A Faire Weekend" »

October 05, 2004

Hello, world. Again.

So I've finally managed (again) to get Moveable Type installed and up and running. Naturally, however, I don't like using the standard template and will hopefully in the next few days or week be changing the template and applying it to the site. There is so much that I don't yet understand about this system that I've read about and have seen in action; I figure I'll get there soon enough.

I'd like to add a picture or two on a regular basis, along with several different categories for different types of entries, including perhaps some of the older stuff from 1997-2003. I'd like for it to be less blog-like and more personal. I sometimes really miss the good ol' days before blogs. But hey, I guess I just need to go with the flow.

In the meantime, I'm back. And hopefully this time I'll stick around a little while longer.

August 31, 2003

Busy Weekend

I moved in with Jon this weekend. It's scary and exciting and so far has been a lot of fun. We've started the process of merging our things and have been shopping for stuff for the house. I'm quite excited, though admittedly very tired and worn out.

I'll be moving things out of my house slowly, as I clean up and out and prepare my house to sell. I expect that the next couple of months of my life will be consumed with organizing and packing and moving things to and fro.

Also, I saw TORI (!!) this weekend! I had the best time at the concert last night. Ben Folds opened for her, and he was probably the best opening act I've ever seen. I was so giddy with excitement because our seats were 6th row center and they were terrific. I couldn't wait to see Tori, and when she took the stage, I couldn't believe how well I could see her. Not only could I see her fingers on the keys, but I could see her facial expressions. It was TERRIFIC! I'd rate it as the best Tori performance I've ever seen... and Jon was with me.. a first!

I'm so glad it's Labor Day weekend and I have tomorrow off, because I'm worn out. It's time for sleep... lots and lots of sleep...

August 27, 2003

On Reading and Writing

This is the first paper I submitted for my English class. I will be posting future papers here.

When I was young and people would ask me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I always answered with, �I want to be a writer.� My passion has always been writing. I have kept a journal of some sort since I was eleven or twelve years old, and I have discovered that putting my innermost thoughts onto paper and bearing witness to life�s experiences allows me to learn and grow as an individual. My writing charts my path, tells my secrets and guides the way for me.

I used to think there would be some magical point when I officially would become a writer: college graduation as I walked across the stage to receive my degree in journalism or perhaps the publishing of my first book. I have since learned otherwise. I never did receive that journalism degree, and I have yet to publish my first book. I am, however, a writer. The moment came and went without me realizing it had happened, but it certainly happened.

A year or so after I dropped out of college, I began work at a small weekly paper in the town where I was living. I was a staff and features writer, and I thoroughly enjoyed the writing process, from researching my stories to beating the newspaper�s publishing deadline with just a few minutes to spare. I learned a great deal about the people and places around me as well as the inner workings of city and county governments. I received a tremendous amount of personal satisfaction when people would stop me in the grocery store to compliment me or comment on something I had written. I was living my dream.

I have always had a fascination with the written word, and because of this fascination I have always been a voracious reader. When I was a child, I often could be found inside, curled up with a good book, helping Nancy Drew solve yet another mystery or reading the biography of some famous individual who interested me. As I grew older, my tastes changed, and I began to read the classics as instructed by my high school English teacher and even enjoyed some of the fiction my mother had purchased for herself. In recent years, Shakespeare and Danielle Steele have been shelved, and I have been reading all sorts of self-help manuals that promise to make me a better person, a better mother, a better eater, a better whatever. I decided not too long ago that it was time I become a better writer.

So, it is my hope that by taking Principles of Writing, I will do just that. It has been nearly eighteen years since I have written a paper for college, and the last paper I wrote resulted in a big fat red �C� on the paper and left me with a great amount of fear over the quality of my work. I am taking this course to face that fear, to learn the rules that will help me take my writing to the next level, and, of course, to turn that �C� into an �A�.

June 26, 2003

To be updated soon...

I've learned a lot today, and I expect that I'll be updating the template for this website in the very near future. So much to do.. :-)

June 18, 2003

Fuck! (or something)

oh, did i mention the fuck pages are now updated and online? i'm quite proud! if you care, be sure to check out the other stuff and donate to the cause! :-)

beware, bad words!!!

Slacker Di!

i'm a slacker and haven't even downloaded the new pictures that were mentioned weeks ago. so lazy i am! but i'll get around to it eventually. really. and i may even take more pictures and download those too. i guess it's a bit more difficult to become motivated to that end when i never get on my desktop machine at home, but rather sit around with the laptop on a wireless connection and generally surf the web and do my ssh stuff.

i do find that i'm becoming more motivated, though. i have started to have strong yearnings to redesign and place my life on the web in a much grander way. and i find that when i see a really well designed personal website that i'm jealous and wonder why i'm such a slacker.

such is life. summer ticks on, and the damned rain continues to fall.

June 10, 2003

Tires or Testicles

there's one thing my mother told me years ago that has held true all these years:

IF IT HAS TIRES OR TESTICLES, IT'S GOING TO GIVE YOU TROUBLE.

June 07, 2003

TORI! TICKETS!

TORI! TICKETS!

I purchased four tickets today to tori's concert in raleigh on august 30. i only meant to purchase two, but i was just finishing up the initial order when jon said "I found two tickets for section 2, row F. that's center stage!! so i purchased those as well... HAD to have them. oh how i love tori. :-)

interested in buying some tickets? let me know.

June 06, 2003

My Melancholy Baby

Come to me my melancholy baby
Cuddle up and don't be blue
All your fears are foolish fancy, maybe
You know, dear, that I'm in love with you;
Every cloud must have a silver lining
Wait until the sun shines through
So smile, my honey dear,
While I kiss away each tear
Or else I shall be melancholy too...

May 28, 2003

WTF?

what. the. fuck.

heh. i love the way that looks. it's my favorite phrase these days. and currently, i'm working on the interface to get those favorite phrases up and added dynamically.

i took some pictures this weekend. they are still sitting on the compact flash card in the camera. i'll get motivated to download them soon, i'm sure. maybe post them for the handful of people who know where to find them.

tomorrow is my last day at work this week. in order to be off friday i had to make up four hours in three days. not too hard to do, but tiring. i'll be glad to sleep in friday morning.

june is around the corner. i'm feeling a change in the air... are you?

May 27, 2003

Presence

what is it that i want?

i desire one thing. presence. not the intrusion of humanity nor the emptiness of solitude but the feeling that i am not alone- that there is a source of external thought, sometimes discordant and others harmonious with my own. to be able to reach out and feel existence, substance and ghost. more than just positional presence or sexual gratification but the absence of absence. my one goal in life is presence. presence with someone i love who is at my side, not in front of me nor behind me but walking in a sidelong mutual embrace. i desire understanding yet i also desire to be questioned and proven wrong. i need to be with. i need to be beside. i need to interact. i don't need shades of grey, nor blinding whites or empty blacks. i exist for brilliant shades of color that mix with my own to create a palette of companionship and separated unity. presence.

thank you, harley, for the words you wrote so long ago that so adequately describe what it is that i'm looking for in this life.

May 20, 2003

!@#%^!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGHHH!


I AM NOT HAPPY!

May 06, 2003

Weekend Fun

i cleaned gutters, and bagged pine straw, and cleaned out my laundry room, went shopping, cleaned kitchen and did laundry...i stayed busy this past weekend.

i've been going to the doctor a lot lately.... seems i have a kidney stone, and i've had all sorts of issues related to and not-related to that. i believe it's all stress. today i went to the doctor and they found blood in my urine, so they ordered up an ivp be done of my kidney so they can find the stone and see how big it is. fun, fun. now i'm taking an antibiotic and walking around with a bottle of percocet just in case i have another attack of pain from the stone moving. and boy is there pain... it's worse than childbirth.

work is okay.. summer hours are about to begin, and this year we are rotating every other friday off, so i'll have five three-day weekends this summer. that starts the week of may 19.

lucky me, i'm going to miami this weekend for some much-needed relaxation. that also means that i'll have a four-day week this week since i'm taking friday off, and a four-day week next week since i'm taking monday off. so essentially, my four-day weeks for the summer have begun.. and they don't end til august 1.

:)

.....

pizza tonight for dinner. i started my period and just feel fat and lazy tonight. i also got my hair colored today- a darker brown that's close to my natural color... except that it ended up a ton darker than i had anticipated.

April 30, 2003

Making Lists

i'm starting to make lists of things i want to get done around my house, things i want to get done at work, financial goals i have, organizing i want to accomplish.... it goes on and on. i realize all too often that i'm sitting around doing nothing about the mess that is my life. i want to be proud of bringing people to my house... but currently it lacks warmth and that inviting feeling. i'm trying to change that.

it's going to take time.. much like everything else these days. so the lists will be made, and me working towards something positive will start to take over.

it is spring, after all.

April 22, 2003

And the beat goes on...

life marches on.

it's amazing to me how the pain can become normal in the course of a couple of weeks, and how life continues to march on by. there are more subtle changes now in the way things are happening. i'm withdrawing, he's withdrawing, and we're both exploring life without the other. i never realized how painful it could be to feel someone i love slip away from me, but i understand fully now. it's still somewhat a shock to think that we're not together.

this is my reality now... and i find that the hope i hold onto about us getting back together is waning, and i'm becoming more realistic in my day to day approach to life. it really hurts to let go. it feels wrong, and unnatural, and foreign. are there more ways to describe the place i'm in now? i never imagined it would be like this. i guess i didn't think beyond where i was at the moment when i told him i couldn't foresee marrying him anymore. that was my reality then, and it still is... it's just that more realities have sunk in now about what that means exactly.

my body is stressed. i ache, and have pains.. and i don't feel as intoxicated with life as i did a few months ago. but that's ok.. i know that's normal ebb and flow stuff that will correct itself as time continues to tick past. i'm walking, i'm doing some yoga and some reiki, i'm really learning to listen to the emotions as they flow through me.

if you change one thing, it changes everything. it's something to remember when making big changes... and it's a lesson i'm learning well. you just gotta learn to hang on when the tides are moving in.

January 10, 2003

Happy New Year

wow! 2003 already! happy new year! how have you been?

as for updates.. let's see....

my insurance company totalled my car and sent me a check, which i promptly dropped into savings. i am now driving jon's truck - a ford ranger - and trying to determine what type of car to get in the near future. i've decided that since i haven't had a car payment in so long that i should probably try to put money in savings every month for the next 2-3 months to similate a car payment. this way i can make sure that i'm not over-extending my budget and that i don't run out and buy the first car that looks good.

in the meantime, i've dropped my insurance to liability only.. so my policy that was once $800/year for full coverage (i know, it's !@# insane!) is now $60/year for liability. that's easy on the wallet, and makes me feel good while i search for the replacement vehicle.

i loved my toyota. i almost cried the day i came home and they had towed it away to be salvaged for parts. i was getting 36/mpg on the highway and 30 or so around town.. and it was 7 years old! it was wonderful! because of this, i've considered getting another toyota.. maybe a corolla... maybe a camry.. i'm not really sure yet. then again, i really love the new volkswagens that are out these days (have you seen the cool blue dash lighting? omigod!). i guess i'm looking for a mid-size vehicle.. not too large, not too small. i want to make sure that i can travel to new york (or wherever) and not feel cramped and get good gas mileage, too.

i'd love to get a hybrid... i love the idea of 40-50 mpg around town! however, jon has convinced me that perhaps i should wait a few more years to see how the hybrids have made it and how they hold up over the years. he worries a bit about the maintenance issue (that of having to take it to the dealership only) and also wonders how long those cars last anyway. so i'll be waiting on that.

my dream car? a lexus. it's not out of the loop for consideration. it would have to be a used lexus, but pretty much any lexus would do. well, most any lexus. i like the newer models.. those from the past couple of years. however, i haven't priced those and they may be a bit out of my range.

jon and i are still planning to move in together at the end of may or beginning of june. he's been busy cleaning his house and making room for me and casey to move in. it's been quite interesting to see him sort through years of stockpiled computers and electronic components... he's a packrat! the process has helped him become more organized, so it's not a bad thing by any stretch of the imagination. we'll be crammed into that house no matter how much each of us organizes and throws away, but it's good to go through our stuff and figure out what's important.

moving means i'll be putting my house on the market, so i've been stressing a bit over getting some things taken care of prior to me moving. i figure the house will sell better if it's empty and vacant (in other words, if all my computers and shit aren't there), so i'm planning on giving myself an opportunity to paint and clean carpets and prepare it to sell during the month of june. i hope it sells quickly. i realize that it's not a seller's market now, but a 1550 sq. ft. house with 3BR, 2BA, formal living and dining rooms as well as a den, big kitchen and laundry room.. it should be appealing to someone. it also has a fenced in backyard with a basketball goal and is in walking distance to some nearby schools. i plan on pricing it to sell quickly.. so i break even on the mortgage. i'll probably go the "for sale by owner" route to avoid all the hefty realtor fees, but then again, who knows.

i'm also taking a class this semester at meredith.. psychology of gender roles. we just started classes yesterday, so i have the entire semester ahead of me. i found out that i have four projects to complete by mid-april. there is so much going on outside of this... jon's brother's wedding in mid-february in arizona that we are attending... the wedding of a good friend the following weekend here in raleigh.. a three-day conference in baltimore, md the following week. did i mention that i'm also taking aerobics on monday and wednesday nights and yoga on tuesday and thursday nights here at meredith (for free!)? i guess what i'm saying is that i really need to get organized and stay on top of things in order to reach all my goals. i figure if i can manage to get a couple of those projects knocked out in the next few weeks, i'll be feeling less stressed and will probably be more pleasant to be around.

last night, jon and i attended a climbing class at the Raleigh Rock Yard where we learned how to belay. it was quite fun and we plan on going back to climb their walls to get some practice. i was proud of myself last night for climbing to the top of one of the walls in the place. today, however, i ache like crazy (some of that is probably from the ab workout after aerobics the other night, too).

it's been a crazy 2003 so far!

December 07, 2002

Corolla Go Bye-Bye

We had an ice storm here a couple of days ago that caused a tree to fall and land on my car! I think it will probably be totalled since the value of my car isn't all that much. argh!

October 30, 2002

Me and Pearl Jam

di_pj_small.jpg

me and pearl jam... ahhh. some days i need some creativity to cheer me up!

October 29, 2002

New CD Today...

new tori amos cd today... and new nirvana, too! and new pearl jam in a couple of weeks.

i'm in heaven :)

October 17, 2002

Therapy Is Fantasy


you know what they say...therapy is fantasy.

October 14, 2002

Good Things

good things are happening.

  • scarlet's walk - the new tori amos cd due oct. 29
  • new pearl jam cd, riot act, due november 12
  • cornwall, england - november 15-22 - me, jon and another couple. i can't wait to see the english countryside, to have fish and chips, to drink at pubs and to generally just relax on another continent. yay for me!

June 27, 2002

Priceless

ahaha.. it's so funny, you've got to look! Use IE, if possible. It's an .asf file.

MasterCard

:-)

June 17, 2002

Differences

it's monday. june 17. my mother's birthday.

so much is different now.

i'm divorced. i've resumed my maiden name, pickett. i'm currently dealing with the emotional aftermath of being married, and trying to keep pushing forward with my new life.

my office partner is currently running her space heater. i think it's 86 degrees outside. and people wonder why *i'm* weird? wtf is up with that?

April 23, 2002

Spring Already?

wow, it's so hard to believe that spring is here already. last time i remember checking, it was like january 2 or something. i've been doing well, though i haven't much felt like posting regular updates to my website. so much is going on that it's hard to keep up with what's what. i will mention that i filed for divorce a couple of weeks ago, so that will be finalized on may 9. classes end this week, so i've got my final exam next friday.. and a lot of studying to do before then. this weekend, jon and i are heading to the mountains to enjoy a nice relaxing weekend with some friends. i hope to get in good studying time there, as well as some good reading on the freud books i just received this weekend from amazon. then there's jon's birthday on the 1st. we've got tickets to go see fiddler on the roof at raleigh's memorial auditorium, and i'm quite excited about that, too. for his birthday i got him a customized shifter knob for his miata, based on what he told me he wanted. it will have the word "jdi" on it in the same font that mazda uses for the miata, along with the shifting pattern. it's already on its way to me as i type this, so hopefully i'll have it in a day or two and it'll be what i want (gratuitous linkage to knobmeister here). anyway, after the birthday is my exam, another weekend off, and jon and i have plans to do as little as possible. the divorce is the following week, and after that the only thing on the agenda is a beach trip. i hope to be posting pictures and more updates soon.

vacation, anyone?

March 28, 2002

Alive!

i'm alive. sorta. :-)

all you voyeurs should go look.

February 05, 2002

Bringing Home The Grades

today i found out i made a 98 on my first psychology test. highest grade in the class!

it's a good feeling to know that after 17 years away from any type of formal education that i can still bring home the grades.

:-)

January 21, 2002

A Story

she's 34 and a mother of two children, both who still live at home. she works as a web programmer, but has lately felt uninspired by her job or the career path she seems to be on. she's taking a course at the college where she works so she can explore a bit and learn something along the way. she wants the happily ever after she once dreamed about, but she's not totally sure that her actions are pointing her to that dream.

you see, she's dating a man who wants something different than what she wants. although when together everything feels right and perfect, in reality it's not. he says it should be ok that he may want to occasionally have sex with another woman. she says that she can't envision herself being ok with that if and when the relationship warrants commitment. she knows that she wants true intimacy with a man who can return the love she gives. she also wants a man who shares the same values and who shares a common vision for the future.

the man she is in love with is in love with her as well. he strongly believes that any two individuals who comprise a relationship should always remain individuals. she believes that at some point, compromise is essential for the relationship to grow beyond the individuality of the two people involved and take on a new role in their lives.

they spend about 3-4 nights a week together. they have a great time and laugh a lot. they are genuine friends. rarely is there an argument, and their communication is never-ending about what's on their minds. they are honest about what they want and how they feel. both claim not to be ready for a committed relationship, though he often suggests that living together would be a way to spend more time together since their lives are busy otherwise.

because there is no commitment, she deals with the emotions of him sleeping with another woman as they arise. she can't envision the relationship strengthening or moving toward "more" with this going on, so she tries to be a friend to him at all times and take that perspective when looking at what they are doing together. she definitely loves him and wants to see him grow and share her perspective on what they could be. maybe then she'd consider living with him.

should she be focused on the fact that they lack the common vision of what they want long-term? or should they just be happy for the moment they are in, and make the decision to change things when they no longer feel happy with the moment?

tell me your opinion!

January 16, 2002

Clear Vision

it's already easy to see....

2002 is going to be good.

:)

December 18, 2001

Christmas List, part 2

things i want for christmas (revised)

...general insight, caring and understanding of who i am from others, respect, the ability to make it through an evening without having an argument with my daughter, to have a closer relationship to both of my children, to determine the path i want to take in my relationship with jon, to have my kittens stop tearing up my house...

November 27, 2001

diCam

oh yeah. got the cam. nothing great, but hey...

Inventory

quick inventory of words
quiet
alone
unfocused
scared
reaching
stressed
loving
harsh
hugs
warmth
smiles

November 12, 2001

Christmas List

things i want for christmas
a watch, a rotisserie, a massage, money, books, gift certificates in general for most anything online, dvds, a computer, a cam.....

October 25, 2001

A Month Already?

wow, has it been a month? i've been reading old journal entries tonight... feeling somewhat reminiscent and melancholy at the same time... i miss how i used to write so much about everything that was going on in my life... and i really hate how i've digressed into a blob of sentiment that never gets expressed.

i saw tori in concert at the beginning of october... i camped out at the auditorium, got a cd signed and was simply awed yet again by her performance. i find myself in constant envy of people who continue to dig down and pull from within the way she does... she's so in touch with herself, and it just makes me want to be expressive and creative and to touch lives somehow.

why is it that i'm never consistent?

i miss my old journal and the email it produced from people i will probably never meet outside of my inbox. i miss feeling like i had a purpose with my writing... i miss feeling like i was ok when people would write and tell me they understood...

i miss life as it was before september 11.

i'm happy, though, don't get me wrong. i'm probably happier than i've ever been. and what's funny is that i now have all the freedom i ever dreamed of having to express anything in the world that i want to express, and i have no clue what to say. heh.

i'm going to find my voice one day. and share it. and be expressive. and paint the walls creatively. and sit back and smile because i'm okay with being diane.

did i mention that he loves me? he really truly loves me... i feel it more than i ever have... and i still have a hard time believing that it's possible.

anything is possible. i should know that better than anyone.

September 22, 2001

Enjoy

i enjoyed this.

September 18, 2001

Strange Little Email

i was surprised this morning when i received the email from cdnow confirming shipment of my order for strange little girls, tori's new cd that was released today. i didn't even remember ordering it, and it's not often that happens to me. i checked the order history and sure enough, i had in fact placed the order at the end of august, less than three weeks ago.

it's weird when stuff like that happens. i guess i am getting older or more forgetful, one. whatever the case, i'm glad i save emails to back myself up.

September 17, 2001

Survivors

the survivor stories are starting to pop up everywhere. i sat mesmerized in front of the tv yesterday as one woman told her account of escaping world trade 2 just before it collapsed. i couldn't even begin to imagine what she had gone through. my heart was suddenly with her.

this morning, i read an article about how the web has come of age with these types of stories.. how it's the perfect medium for people to share their stories and create the communities we all long for after such events as last week's attacks. i long for those stories... i need to hear remarkable tales of escape... of people helping others... of loved ones being reunited. i need to know how other people are coping and dealing with these events. i wrote derek yesterday and thanked him for the fray. he wrote back and thanked me for being part of it... and i realized that perhaps i was.

i need hope, even though i wasn't in new york and i didn't lose family members or friends in this tragedy. reading personal stories and other people's accounts makes it real for me. it makes me believe there is hope.

i'm starting to feel like maybe there is.

September 13, 2001

Light A Candle

light a candle. pray.

September 12, 2001

Flow of Energy

it would be a numb person who can't feel the change in the flow of energy in the air since yesterday's attack on the united states. my heart aches for those who lost friends and relatives as the twin towers of the world trade center and the pentagon collapsed. i'm horrified at the events themselves, but also horrified this actually has happened.

there's a certain sense of vulnerability now for believing we are safe as a nation.. and for believing in the false sense of security i have held onto. that won't ever happen in the united states. i should always remember that life is precious and can be taken away at any time. this is the world we live in... shit happens. big time. believe it.

i watched with complete awe... disbelief actually... at all the news reports on the internet and on tv. i called my family and talked to them. i told my kids i loved them many times. i listened as the president spoke words to reassure me that all will be ok... and then again and again, i watched those damning videos on cnn and saw the airplanes strike and realized it will be a long time before i can have faith in his words.

the energy is heavy from all the reality it holds.

September 09, 2001

404 Messaging

i used to play this game with a guy i knew... online...

he'd visit my website and leave me messages in the log files... requesting pages that would turn up 404 errors and say something to me at the same time...'hellosexyimwatchingyou', or 'beautifulasalways'... or something. digital flirting. it was a big turn on for me. a mindfuck, as it were.

i'm now adding that characteristic to my list of things i like in a man.

  • mentally stimulating
  • the more creative, the better as far as i'm concerned.

    September 07, 2001

    me at 34.

    me at 34.

    34 And Holding

    a bottle of wine and a kiss, a few hugs and my mother and stepfather calling and singing me happy birthday "archie and edith bunker style"... birthday greetings from the masses. even my co-workers have made this day a special one for me.. and it's only 8:21.

    the end of my 34th year is upon me. today at 1:09 p.m. i turn 34 years old and begin my 35th year of existence. i can't wait...

    September 06, 2001

    Happily Single

    a friend of mine from days gone by responded to an email that i sent her after finding her address on a website of the school where she works as headmaster.

    "i'm very, very happily single," she wrote. life seemed to be working as it always did for her. i suppose there was reason why i wrote her in the first place. i need to see another strong woman (as i view her) who is happy with the tough choices she's had to make about her life. i need to see how she handles herself and her children. how she focuses on her career. how she handles her romantic relationships.

    i'm happily single as well. SINGLE. meaning one. i'm so used to duality that single is just starting to make sense to me. everything is up in the air to be redefined in my life. you see, i planned for this (that's why i registered redefining.org) but i never really expected or realized that i'd get here so quickly, that it would turn my life upside down and leave me with a good amount of inner and self work to do.

    but it did, and i'm dealing with it, one day at a time.

    the reality of being single is just that. being single. i guess i am a bit scared of what that means. i want to be ok with being by myself, and i guess i am, but i don't feel too confident about where i am emotionally. jon and i talked a bit about this last night, about how i feel strong and confident when it comes to doing things and having my life the way i want it, but also feeling weak and insecure about what i need emotionally and where i am with that.

    jon and i have no commitment or anything, but we have something and i am a little worried that i'm using our relationship to help me fill that "duality" role. he encourages me to enjoy where we are relationship-wise, so that i can enjoy being single and do the things i want to do without having to worry about anyone else. i appreciate him seeing that i may need to do some of the "single" thinking. it's just a hard concept for me to consider. i'm not used to thinking about things just for myself (though i'm sure todd would say otherwise) - there's always been someone else to worry about.

    i do realize, however, that this constant analyzing doesn't allow me to live in the moment... which is exactly what i need to learn to do. if the moment is all we have, then what is there to worry about?

    i need to just let however i feel be present with me. i need to look at the emotions that surround me from the perspective of them being separate from me. my baggage is not who i am, and i can certainly pick and choose how i'm going to feel about things and not let the past influence that.

    i'm certainly redefining.

    September 05, 2001

    Citing Scripture


    love.

    it's unlike me to cite scripture, but some things i do believe.. especially in the most spiritual sense. .

    September 04, 2001

    Tori!

    did i mention that i'm going to see tori on october 4? i am!

    Alas We Meet

    after 5+ years of corresponding via the internet, it looks like i may get a chance in late october to finally meet my friend, todd. sweet :)

    Thinking....

    on my drive into work this morning, i was thinking of the possibility of a new website for hometown north carolina news. essentially, a gateway for all small papers across the state that have stories worth publishing on a larger scale... my site would give readers a link to their sites. the benefit for the paper is increased traffic to their own website (if they have one, if not maybe i should offer my web services to get them online). how do i entice the paper? could the trade off initially be a small ad in their publication? crosslinking, if possible? subscription service online?

    from the more creative side of the project, i could have people across the state willing to submit photos of any particular news item. this involves the public in what i'm doing, and gives me more readers, more usage, more reason to get some type of advertising from larger companies statewide. i'd have to show some numbers.

    maybe i should see if i can get an xml feed of npr's state edition. news and observer jump? charlotte observer? a sponsor link from the outer-banks.com website (family friend.. could be a workable thing)? maybe a photo section of pictures of the state taken by readers of the site... discussion boards... email service... maybe even a section that i develop for weekly "columns"... and i solicit entries... ?

    hmmm...............

    happy tuesday. my brain is at work. :)

    September 03, 2001

    ... and another....

    • technically saavy

    Man Qualities

    qualities i like in a man (in no particular order of preference) . . .

    • intelligent
    • has common sense
    • has a sense of humor
    • able to laugh at himself
    • can get beyond his ego
    • affectionate
    • goal-oriented
    • financially stable
    • good natured
    • good hearted
    • sexy
    • more to come....

    dunno why i was thinking about that, but i was. i figured it was time i start taking notes. :)

    August 30, 2001

    I Think I Can

    ok. apparently i'll be able to abstain another day. today wasn't it.

    god bless chocolate.

    I Think I Can, part 2

    i'm eyeing the hershey kisses sitting next to my desk. i vowed no chocolate today, just to make sure i wasn't self-inducing the headache i've been carrying around since late yesterday. i can do this.

    August 27, 2001

    Outline

    i traced the outline of my hand on a friend's basement wall on friday
    night. jon, who was with me, traced an outline of his that connected with
    mine.

    we signed our names and dated the drawing. 8-25-01.

    jdi lives on walls now.

    picture coming soon.

    August 14, 2001

    Life Is Like....

    life is like a beautiful ribbon... are you tying yours in knots or bows?

    August 02, 2001

    A Long Week

    it's been a long week. sick on monday with headache and nausea, followed by three days of asp coding and trying to understand what the hell i'm doing. i'm tired. really tired. just ready to crawl into bed and forget that the world exists around me.

    i've been feeling somewhat invisible in life lately... here to cater to the needs of everyone around me but not having much success in having anyone cater to mine. what's that old saying? the only person you can rely on is yourself. i firmly believe that now. not even the best of relationships will bring 100% happiness to you.. some of the hard work has to be done by yours truly.

    i guess i'm still a dreamer to a large degree. so that sets me up for great disappointment when the outcome doesn't meet the expectation. i try really hard not to have expectations, but some things i just won't budge on... respect for my feelings, respect for me in general, being kind, etc. some things i do expect and need (even if others don't seem to care).

    as a mother, i've been stressed to the max lately. casey has had many struggles in adjusting to life as we now know it.. and she seems to want every minute of my day devoted to doing something with her. i've been accommodating.. or at least better about giving her my time.. but it's really hard to switch gears from a new job where i'm learning code to going home and doing everything under the sun in an attempt to make her happy for the moment. it seems not to matter much how much or what i do.. it's not enough.. and that is exhausting.

    i feel as if i have little time for me and my friends.. and how i choose to spend that is of great importance to me. and the people i choose to spend it with should realize that i'm giving them something extremly valuable. yet, here lately.. i'm invisible. no one seems to care that i exist.

    change is still in the air. thick in the air, in fact.. and i'm catching hold of the next strong gust of wind and taking a ride.

    July 28, 2001

    Eye of the Storm

    temporary insanity. i'm in the midst of the calm. the storm is all around.

    sometimes an aggravating silence creeps into me... and keeps me there. it's not harsh, but subtle rather. strangely so. i had a hard time believing that i could have fallen victim. when did it happen?

    it's a progression, i've discovered. and so it will be in reverse... these things take time. and love.. and extremely large quantities of both. .

    July 19, 2001

    Personality Test Results

    i was surprised at the results. i consider myself less avoidant/dependent and more obsessive-compulsive. but what do i know?

    Disorder | Rating
    Paranoid: Moderate
    Schizoid: High
    Schizotypal: High
    Antisocial: Low
    Borderline: Moderate
    Histrionic: Moderate
    Narcissistic: High
    Avoidant: High
    Dependent: High
    Obsessive-Compulsive: Moderate

    url for test

    url for more info

    July 17, 2001

    Praying to St. Anthony

    i'm incredibly tired at the moment. i ate a big lunch over in the dining hall on campus with my co-workers, and then returned to my office to dive into the manuals for dreamweaver and fireworks. since then i've been learning a lot of things.. and reading a lot on the web about extending dreamweaver's capabilities. i really wish i could take off my bra, put on my comfy shorts and shirt, put some music on and get to work. but i can't because i'm at work now.. and i'm pretty sure that some people here would be deeply offended (or amazed or confused) if the bra wasn't on.

    i'm not complaining though. i just need a nap and to get comfortable. i also need to move my computer to the other side of this desk so that my back isn't facing the door. jon got me a couple of those mirrors that you stick on your monitor so you can see when someone is walking up behind you, but i'm still not comfortable with my back turned to people when they walk in. by then it's too late (if i was surfing for porn or whatever) and i can't expect to be able to alt+tab that quickly.

    it's not that i'm hiding anything. it's just that i hate having someone stand over my shoulder and watch what i'm doing. it drives me nuts, and honestly i think it's rude. so why invite trouble?

    today is going much better than yesterday. i was about to leave for work yesterday morning when i realized that i couldn't find my keys. i couldn't find them over the weekend either, but it wasn't that big of a deal since i wasn't going anywhere. but yesterday morning i needed them, and they were nowhere to be found. while frantically searching, i remembered that i had a spare key from when i cleaned out my desk at pliant. so i dumped the contents of a bag from my previous office all over the floor, found the key and left for work. needless to say, that didn't make for a great start to a new week. and when i arrived 20 minutes late, i was already tossing in the towel. my mood was shot and i still had no clue where my damned keys were.

    my objective when returning home yesterday evening was search and destroy. everything was going to be turned inside out until the keys were found. so i did that.. to some extent. and was growing more and more frustrated as my intensive search was yielding no results. i decided to clean up instead, and remembered that i needed to take the trash can down to the curb for today's trash pick up. and then it dawned on me that the keys may be in the one garbage bag that i took out of the house on sunday. so there i am, standing in my driveway, picking through my garbage.. searching for my keys... praying to st. anthony (i was told he was the saint of all items lost).. and viola! my keys were there... buried under wads of used paper towels and a good amount of solidified hamburger grease. they were nasty but they were located!

    so my monday ended better than expected, and quite honestly i was amazed that the prayer to st. anthony had worked its charm. i had been told it would happen.. and what do you know.. it did. or it could have been coincidence... depending on one's perspective.

    July 14, 2001

    Mush

    my brain is turning to mush. i've been sitting in front of the computer all day downloading binaries from usenet and feeling like i'm doing something productive when it's perfectly clear that i'm not. i don't understand why i'm downloading half the crap i've selected anyway... i've got most of it around here already on a burned cd... but i think it's the convenience of having it on this hard drive or something.

    i've also been trying to collect the original songs from tori's upcoming cd, strange little girls. i figure it'll be good to have something to compare her versions with.. since i'm not familiar with most of the songs. i am quite looking forward to the new cd, however... and to the tour that is supposed to begin in september. i'm definitely going to see her in concert, whether she comes to north carolina or not. it's just one of those things i must do. tori is a deeply emotional experience for me.. something i've yet to share with anyone in my realm of friends. i wish i knew someone who understood how she communicates.. or knew someone she had reached the way she has reached me. she's touring alone this year... no band... just a girl and her piano.. and from what i understand this is exactly the way tori was meant to be heard. so i'm quite looking forward to the experience.

    jon is on his way over here now.. we're going to watch last week's episode of six feet under, my newest favorite show on tv. hbo has done a great job with this one.. it's intriguing to watch the personalities they've put together in this series follow any given plot. it's just a good show. so i'm catching up from missing last week's episode, and tomorrow night a new one comes on again. so i'll be watching that too. i rarely find myself called to the television for any reason.. but sex in the city and six feet under are must-sees for me.

    guess i'll go get the folded clothes off the bed so i have somewhere to lay down and vegetate when the program begins. more later... maybe.. :)

    July 11, 2001

    A Date?

    ok, so now i have a lunch date on friday. i wish i could say i was looking forward to it... but in reality, i'm not because i'm really not into the whole dating scene. i think perhaps this makes it quite obvious that i prefer my small circle of friends... and anything outside of that is a bit overwhelming for me these days.

    spent the majority of the afternoon learning fireworks... which wasn't too hard of a transition from the adobe web products.. but it's different enough that it'll take me a little while to get used to what i'm doing. i was glad to see that i moved quickly through the lessons and had little or no trouble... because i've got six weeks.. five really... to get a new design up and going. i figure i'll spend a few evenings at home tweaking a new interface. my boss wants a couple of new ideas... one he sort of gave me a website to design from (which is all well and good, but i don't like stealing design ideas much) and i've got my own ideas forming based on some sample websites that the dean of academic affairs suggest i take a look at.

    the world i've entered at my new job is greatly political in nature.. and quite honestly i'm hoping to avoid that type of bullshit if at all possible. like most everything else, this should prove to be quite interesting.

    anyway, bedtime for me.. tomorrow is yet another full day.

    Old Friends, New Friends

    just got back from lunch... met an old friend and a friend of his... and now i think it was a setup... because at the end of lunch, my friend suggested to his friend that he should take me out sometime.. and the only response i could think of was, "ahh... so now you're playing matchmaker... i see how you are..."

    i guess i'd go on a date. but it would have to be less of a date and more of a friend thing. because i'm not really interested in dating... but i'm definitely interested in meeting more people, going out and having fun.

    also got macromedia ultradev 4 fireworks 4 studio... so i'm about to install and spend the rest of my day actually being productive.

    amazing, isn't it? :)

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